it's been too long eh?

so darlings...i've been gone for about..3 weeks? a month? i lost count like i always do. sometimes i wonder why i still keep writing in here. i guess the only reason would be that this is..well was, the only place where i could write anything and noone would care. but now cannot. because family reads it. the boyfriend reads it. i won't be surprised if the company reads it too. so have to be quiet and keep it all in like i always have been doing.

but then again...who knows. maybe one day when i can't take it anymore, i might just dump everything out. you think?

so anyway, liz left. sobs. picked caney up to go over to the attic at bangsar for liz's farewell..two sundays ago. i know...so long ago shuddup. i bought another dress on saturday and wore it on sunday to the party. i know i should not shop anymore but how many dresses can you find at rm79 bucks that fits me at forever21 i ask you? never right? so that's why...when you see an opportunity, you should just grab it. i made one mistake already and no, don't ask me what it is...so i don't want to make another mistake even though it's just a dress.

crap. i think i've been reading waaay too many online blogs that speaks so weirdly that i find myself following the way they present themselves. i think that's my problem right now. i don't know me. i don't know what i want anymore. i don't know where i'm going. i'm kinda lost. the boyfriend and i aren't that great right now and i'm scared of losing the only relationship that's helping me survive right now.

i bet my sister would be glad to know that we broke up last week. because he couldn't take the long distance anymore.

however, we're now back together and trying to figure our relationship out. so...shortlived la.

i didn't know why i am pursuing this relationship even though i know that it's difficult and he's just way too far away. perhaps it was to prove people wrong that ldr can work. i'm a one relationship kinda girl. once i get my heart broken...that's it. no more. i'm sure you'd think that it'll pass and i'll move on but i know i won't. even though we only spent a month together physically...we did spend almost every minute that we can for four years together too. actually...it's four and a half years already. and yet, i still get the feeling that people cannot accept him. why? is it because he's african american who, by the way, has a few other bloods in him? is it because he's so far away and you've never met him that you distrust him? is it because you think that i'm not ready for a relationship? is it because you're jealous of the fact that i do have a boyfriend eventhough he's so far away? i don't know. i would love to know why you get so hostile with me whenever i talk to the boyfriend.

i need a holiday. that i know for sure. somewhere far. or near. doesn't really matter.