pretentiously bitchy

2011-12-01T12:24:00.003+08:00

it's been awhile. i think it's time to close this and open up a new chapter.

no longer a pretentious bitch.

see ya!

all i want...

2009-08-07T14:35:00.001+08:00

...is to be with you.

i miss you. i tried to stop crying but it's so difficult.

2009-06-10T13:45:00.003+08:00

don't regret what you've done because what's done is done.

don't follow me. i don't want you to.

here's to us...and all your lies.

gone

2009-04-21T17:40:00.002+08:00

i told her off.

how rude is it to enter someone's room without knocking first? and it's not the first time. COUNTLESS of times.

she caught me on a really bad day. this is the first time i'm warning her about entering my room. if she does it again...on another bad day, that's it.

there's so much i can take from an annoying person who gets away with everything. and everything that she does that is wrong, makes all of us look bad. but does she care? no. when her files went missing...all of us came back to help her out. did she say thanks? not a single squeak.

fuck her. i am done with all this crap. i am done with taking people's crap. i am done with listening to what people think is good for me. i am done with having so much fear of the unknown. i am done with everything!

because everything that i wanted is gone.

say what you want

2009-03-26T22:58:00.001+08:00

i love you no matter what...always and forever.

:)

see you soon?

and so it is...

2009-03-13T01:41:00.002+08:00

my car is still in the workshop.

oh wait. you didn't know? i got into a car crash about a month ago...wait..make that a month and a half ago. coming march 17th would've been two months. and yes. it's still in the freaking workshop in freaking sungai buloh. why is it there you ask? because...because. i malas want to explain already la. to cut long long LONG story short...

my car is still in the workshop.

on to some other news...yes? because just talking about my car and it's current situation and home is kinda depressing. i've been leaving with my colleague for the past month or so already. she graciously allowed me to sleep over. i only have to pay for her petrol and the occasional meal or two. but of course, i will be nice and do something for her la.

talking about doing something, i'll be doing charity this saturday woo hoo!!! the last time i did charity was way back in high school. convent to be exact because heck knows the other school i went to in form 5 was just completely ridiculous. and to think, during my last year of high school, my dad retired-got offered a job in another district-we had to move. and i had to attend THAT school. sorry, no offence but i hated it there. i did request to be sent to a co-ed school so that i could be acquainted with ehem...boys. but did they (the parents) listen to my 'silly' request?

noooo...

so i grew up in college hiding away from boys and yet running towards them at the same time. go figure i know. but that school did me good for one thing la. the add math teacher was awesome! i went from zero to beyond a hundred canyouimagineomg. so yes...dear teacher whose name i totally forgot...you made my one year in that horrible school actually bearable.

i also believe that that school was part of the cause of my mom's cancer. you know why you know why? because...if i remember correctly what my mom told me...that 5-6 teachers from that school were diagnosed with cancer. and you know why you know why? because there were those magnetic, electrical towers surrounding the school. i read somewhere that it can cause or trigger the cancer cells you know. but don't ask me for the link.

it's close to 2am and i'm still awake. i can't sleep or at least that's what i think. but i know if i go to bed now eventhough i'm dead tired...i won't be able to sleep. insomnia much you think? hmm...

do you think i'm pretty? i duno la. what do you think?

by the by...do you realise that i don't talk about david anymore? go make your own conclusions la. but i think from now on...i'm keeping my relationship with boys private. don't want the whole world to know that i'm heartbroken or totally in love or whatever you know? but you and i know that i need to vent out somewhere and this is the only place that i can do that freely without judgement.

le sigh...why is life so complicated?

over chinese new year, my dad asked me if i wanted to go back to school to study scriptwriting. what do you think? i used to write pretty good scripts during those black-uni days. there was a lecturer *ehem*drbahar*ehem who complimented my writing skills. the other lecturer who also complimented me was a lecturer in curtin. but i forgot his name already. will let you know once i remember or ask someone. hehe. but yea...what do you think? should i pursue it?

when i was at the crossroad of choosing my career path...there were three roads to choose. the first being, mass communication. at that time, i thought with a mass communication degree, all i can become is a news anchor. hahaha...how wrong i was. the second choice was to go into journalism. i know it's under mass communication now...but not then duh. third choice...an english teacher. that was swept under the carpet immediately. i tried to be a teacher once. my mom conducted tuition classes at our house in the evenings to primary kids. sometimes, my mom would put me in charge for an hour or so because she had errands to do. all i ever did was yell and scream at the kids so that they'll shut up and be very very afraid of me. hehehe...

you know what. maybe i'll just write another post later la. suddenly writing mojo gone. sigh...

by the by...did you know i now have a ping pong mojo? hehehehe...la'ers!

malaysian politics and hanky panky

2009-03-04T13:22:00.002+08:00

first off...the only person i know who uses the word hanky-panky right now in this day and age...is my sister.

jeez..don't ask why she decided to use that term but yeah...

anyway, so i read an blogpost at quaintly.net regarding an open letter from a company to our politicians. it was rather surprising for me to have actually read that because truth be told, i have not read the papers for a very very long time. ask me what's going on with malaysian politics and i'll say, please ask david because i think he knows it better than i do. i just gave up on the politics and the whole riff raff about 'stealing' states and badgering and slandering and what-have-yous. it's annoying and emberassing really.

so totally memalukan. geram!

just perfect...

2009-02-26T15:04:00.001+08:00

Kau begitu sempurna
Di mataku kau begitu indah
Kau membuat diriku akan slalu memujamu
Di setiap langkahku
Ku kan slalu memikirkan dirimu
Tak bisa ku bayangkan hidupku tanpa cintamu

*Janganlah kau tinggalkan diriku
Tak kan mampu menghadapi semua,
hanya bersamamu ku akan bisa
Kau adalah darahku
Kau adalah jantungku
Kau adalah hidupku, lengkapi diriku
oh sayangku kau begitu,

sempurna....

Kau genggam tanganku
saat diriku lemah dan terjatuh
kau bisikan kata yang hapus semua sesalku
(*)

...i miss you.

perhaps, you know

2009-01-30T09:27:00.002+08:00

david and i broke up three weeks ago. his decision.

i saw it coming a while ago already. besides, from my previous post, i should have really seen it coming kan?

i miss him still even though people are telling me i should not and instead, should just move on. to quote a good friend:

'the best way to move on is to be with someone else'.

easy for someone who always had that someone with her. someone she liked and had a crush on even when she was with her ex. i don't. i never liked or had a major crush on someone while i was with david. although apart, we were still emotionally attached. now, i don't know. i love him very very much still but he...i don't know.

should i move on or hope for the best between us? i don't know what to do or feel. part of me just wants to up and leave to be by his side right now. a small part of me just wants to forget everything and move on. but i can't. perhaps it's because the wound is still so fresh i don't know.

can i just hide for a while?

all i wanted was to be with him. now that's gone. and it's my fault.

the sun rises here, it sets over there

2009-01-08T11:37:00.002+08:00

the boyfriend and i had a talk last night. he said he's going to think it through whether we're still compatible or not.

we've been fighting alot...especially since the new year. that's all we've been doing. about what you ask? a bunch of stuff but it all boils down to just one really. why are we apart when we could've been together already.

it's been really hard on me lately considering the fact that i've made a decision but he doesn't seem to support it now although it's what he wanted in the beginning. maybe i shouldn't have done what i did. i thought i was happy...or perhaps i was putting up a front without me realising i was until recently. i took advantage of his 'presence' in my life by putting him off my priority list...and still tell him that i love him. it's true what he said...how can you tell someone you love that person if you chose not to be with that person when you had the blessings of a father who doesn't even know anything about it. how could i have done that to this man who loves me for who i am. who doesn't question the way i am. who allows me to do what i want. who supports me in every way possible. how could i be so cruel? noone deserves to be treated that way...especially your loved ones.

four and a half years of being apart sucks. i thought i would be ok because i've been living on my own without a boyfriend all my life. i thought i was doing him a favour too. what kind of favour? no clue. just some superficial crap i made up when i had to reason with him on my decision to come back here.i shouldn't have. honestly. i shouldn't have been afraid of following my heart instead of my mind because the mind can play crazy tricks on people.

so now...i may be losing him because of what i did. he said he will always love me even if we do break up. we will always be friends. how would you feel if your partner tells you that?

i can't even describe it.

blinded

2009-01-05T17:56:00.002+08:00

2009 doesn't seem to be going all that great for me already.

so much for optimism eh?

i always wondered, if i died, how would the boyfriend know?who's gonna call and tell him? noone has his number except me. what if my phone disappears and maxis can't get his number? how's he to find out?

maybe it's best he doesn't. then we'll both stop hurting.

i'm not sorry for being emo right now...because i am. interpret what you want. only i know what i'm talking about. i am me. i dictate my own life. i lead it. and i can end it. every action i take is my own responsibility, not yours. every fear i have is mine. noone understands noone will.

2009...i hope i'll make it through you.

two doublezero nine

2009-01-02T17:28:00.002+08:00

happy new year and sorry for not updating since september.

it was a crazy 2008 at the end of it. drama and issues and wallet dropping.

oh well, here's to the new year and hopefully we will all make the most out of it, yes?

resolutions! pff...as if i'm gonna keep to them. come to think of it, i believe the reason why i have never completed my resolutions for the year is because they're always impossible feats! i mean, given the time frame, 12 months is not long...it's pretty short when you have your whole life in front of you. i remember i once wanted to lose like 20 kgs in a year just because when i was 14 or 15 i managed to do it. but of course, those who knows my history would know that i did it in the MOST unhealthy way. i also remembered i wanted to learn to drive to kl on my own but till now, i never ever did. i was also afraid of driving on my own to foreign places. as in other states or places that i've never been to. i kinda did do it at the end of the year but not quite really too. nevermind.

2008 was a year of reflection and hard work. it took sheer determination to make my career rise up but it took a toll on my relationships with the family and david. i bickerred with the sister way too much until we both sort of loathed the sight of each other. i spent too much time at work and with friends from work that i neglected the boyfriend. blinded by the whole 'your job is your life because you get money out of it' mantra.

lucky for me, he stuck thru it with me eventhough he wanted to break up countless of times but because he knew we were a unit, he stayed on although he really didn't want to. the whole distance thing was bad. has always been. i blamed myself at the beginning of the year but after a while, i realised that it's nobody's fault. it could've happened to anyone. we were just unfortunate, that's all. come to think of it, what really made me want to be with him even more is watching one of my best friend getting engaged. watching them act the way they do made me realise that i'm missing out on so much when i'm not with him. i only have 1 life. only 12 months to be 23 or 22 or 15 or 40 or 90 years old. why wasn't i spending all those 12 short months with the one that i love and who loves me back?

of course, 2008 wasn't just about the boyfriend and i although i seem to recall more of that than ever. 2008 will always be remembered as the year i grew up to really be an adult. perhaps it's because i was treated like one and then i started to think like one and now, i think i really am already. i manage my anger and playfulness much better now. but i did cry alot though. hmm...must work on that in 2009.

so anyway, 2009 resolutions even though it's 1 day late. never too late, yes?

1. to lose some weight using the healthy way. a couple of kilos per month would be great. otherwise, it's ok. maybe i really am born to be big. plus, the boyfriend loves me the way i am. so...i'm doing this for myself ok.
2. blog more! i feel so bad whenever i log back into blogger or into my blog to go to the links. i must also put in more pictures...random pictures maybe.
3. save money. loads and loads of money so that i can ...
4. learn to invest. anyone wanna teach me?
5. drive to kl at least once with and/or without someone in the car.
6. be nicer to people especially the interns. i'm such a bully.
7. finally tell my dad about the boyfriend after being silent about it for four and a half years. i'm sure he knows but it'll be great to hear it from my own mouth no?
8. go to the states. a month? a year? few years? a week?
9. be braver!!!
10. head to gym at least twice a week...and really really work out.
11. spend more time with the boyfriend...not on the phone but by his side. thus number 8.
12. think about the future. family, money, career in that order.

so, 2009. will you be really be the year where i take all risks? be a 'YES' woman? never backing down when challenges arise?

i hope so. wait. i KNOW so.

have a happy new year everyone.

the horror!

2008-09-22T12:39:00.001+08:00

no comments?

gawd. i must really suck at blogging already. and people keep asking me to place pictures up.

omg.

i'm such an attention whore. HAHA.

sorry. it's the coffee. and lack of food. and work related stress.

and don't ask me how can i be stressed if i can blog. nonsense.

coffee is cold and i am fat

2008-09-21T12:03:00.011+08:00

it's a sunday, people and i'm at work.

*whinge whinge whine whine*

i think i'm morphing into a workaholic and back. was and now never again. i choose to not come in on weekends now if i can help myself. only when i'm asked to. seriously, sometimes when i think about it...there's always monday. it's bad enough that i do NOT have a life...i most certainly do NOT want to lose my weekends. sad as it is. bad bad bad.

anyway, i shall now attempt to have pictures up. attempt because apparently, mac computers aren't really bestfriends with blogger and it takes forever to have pictures up. therefore, if you notice a(1, uno, yi, satu) picture...be happy.

here goes.
IT WORKED! IT FUCKING WORKED!

happy happy yey yey. the rabbits and/or guinea pig are actually from the temple i went to in brickfields. there were soooo adorable. but we weren't allowed to touch or pick them up. i don't know whether it's because it's on holy ground or what la. but so cute!

before i proceed to adding more pictures, may i say that adding pictures on blogspot is such a pain in the ass? why? because you need to drag it from the top of the post to whereever you want it to be...eventhough your cursor is already at where it's supposed to be. why ah? anybody else having that problem or is it just me...again? crap. i think it's just me.

that's angga. our former intern from indonesia. he allowed me to draw on his hands everyday! hehe...he kinda messed it up by trying to draw black lines all over on one side of it. so kinda uglified the drawing.

next!
ok. that's angga. and that's aini. they're models for tangga the t-shirt. hahaha. wtf. omg don't sue me for having your pictures up people. hehe.this was taken when i first had my hair cut. notice how bad my skin is? it's not like that anymore! i have discovered the wonders of facial. not very cheap but ok la. i need to put aside some money for it though. but my skin is much much better now! hardly any pimples...just some scars.my handmade birthday card from 2 interns, an admin girl and a producer. it's supposed to be a mermaid.my family at grandma's 80th birthday. the nyonyas had to dress up as nyonyas...and according to grandma, i was the most original looking nyonya. hehe.those are all of my cousins...and nieces and nephews.

can you see the fats? can you? omg cannot tahan.

okla. i malas already. update with more pictures some other time when i'm free. which might be tomorrow depending on my workload.

be happy!

it's been too long eh?

2008-09-16T18:46:00.002+08:00

so darlings...i've been gone for about..3 weeks? a month? i lost count like i always do. sometimes i wonder why i still keep writing in here. i guess the only reason would be that this is..well was, the only place where i could write anything and noone would care. but now cannot. because family reads it. the boyfriend reads it. i won't be surprised if the company reads it too. so have to be quiet and keep it all in like i always have been doing.

but then again...who knows. maybe one day when i can't take it anymore, i might just dump everything out. you think?

so anyway, liz left. sobs. picked caney up to go over to the attic at bangsar for liz's farewell..two sundays ago. i know...so long ago shuddup. i bought another dress on saturday and wore it on sunday to the party. i know i should not shop anymore but how many dresses can you find at rm79 bucks that fits me at forever21 i ask you? never right? so that's why...when you see an opportunity, you should just grab it. i made one mistake already and no, don't ask me what it is...so i don't want to make another mistake even though it's just a dress.

crap. i think i've been reading waaay too many online blogs that speaks so weirdly that i find myself following the way they present themselves. i think that's my problem right now. i don't know me. i don't know what i want anymore. i don't know where i'm going. i'm kinda lost. the boyfriend and i aren't that great right now and i'm scared of losing the only relationship that's helping me survive right now.

i bet my sister would be glad to know that we broke up last week. because he couldn't take the long distance anymore.

however, we're now back together and trying to figure our relationship out. so...shortlived la.

i didn't know why i am pursuing this relationship even though i know that it's difficult and he's just way too far away. perhaps it was to prove people wrong that ldr can work. i'm a one relationship kinda girl. once i get my heart broken...that's it. no more. i'm sure you'd think that it'll pass and i'll move on but i know i won't. even though we only spent a month together physically...we did spend almost every minute that we can for four years together too. actually...it's four and a half years already. and yet, i still get the feeling that people cannot accept him. why? is it because he's african american who, by the way, has a few other bloods in him? is it because he's so far away and you've never met him that you distrust him? is it because you think that i'm not ready for a relationship? is it because you're jealous of the fact that i do have a boyfriend eventhough he's so far away? i don't know. i would love to know why you get so hostile with me whenever i talk to the boyfriend.

i need a holiday. that i know for sure. somewhere far. or near. doesn't really matter.

this post has no title. wee!

2008-08-25T16:37:00.002+08:00

la la lalala...

the boyfriend has gone missing. i think his loaned phone's battery died-ed on him therefore i can't call him. le sigh. it's okie though. it doesn't bother me as much as it used to when i couldn't even talk to him for half a day. it's all a learning process. LIFE...is a learning process. yes?

so what have i been up to since the last time i posted which was ... last friday. much. so so much that i don't even know where to begin. but somethings are just not meant to be pasted up here. not yet. not ever. too risque. and no...nothing to do with me.

so i bought this 3 meter long kain that looks a little bit like the tartan cloth on scottish kilts but it's more of light grey lines on dark grey kain. it's really really nice but i can't find any tailor and/or seamstress that is good enough to sew my whatever for me. and yes, i still can't figure out what to make of it. initially it was meant to be a skirt. a pleated, ala britney spears back in the oops days, catholic high school girls skirt. i saw one at dorothy perkins but it was just too short for me. i have ginarmous (sp?) thighs and i cannot afford to look like an elephant (although i already do). so it's gonna be a little bit longer and cuter with more pleats and detachable braces. uber cute. tapi di mana ya? any suggestions?

anyway, the other day for the party, did i mention that i wore a dress? my new nichii (i have never bought anything from nichii because their clothes can never fit me. and erm...some designs are kinda...eyu. some!) tribal motif-ed dress. it had red, black, light light grey and white on it. and half way thru dinner, it had yellow splatters. no thanks to the satay sauce. crap. my colleagues know that i have very bad luck with two things. one is slippers (this one...i'm sure the rest of you know.) i can buy a slipper/sandal but it will only last me maximum 1 year...if i wear it everyday that is. if i don't then it'll last longer la. minimum...3 months. hahaha. i'm so lame i know. and the other is skirts. whenever i wear the only skirt that i have...i'll stain it with some kind of food be it oily or not. seriously.

anyway...i have to get back to work. sobs. monday's going going and going soon...yey! i need a holiday!

can't wait till the long merdeka weekend comes. le sigh...

brighter than sunshine

2008-08-22T16:38:00.002+08:00

i found the song that i fell in love in...when i fell in love with the boyfriend.

sobs. so beautiful.

we're having a party tonight and i'm in a dress. wee! i'll put up pictures on my facebook once i figure out how to connect my camera to the mac aight? hehe.

love you baby.

oh god

2008-08-15T16:28:00.002+08:00

i need to get a life. can someone please help me get one?

please please pretty please?

life has been a drag for me lately. late nights. moving around. not having a social life. i don't even know how to greet friends anymore! friends like dear ol' andrewkin who i've spent many hours with talking about nonsensical nonsense. and liz and lalai are leaving malaysia to greater shores! why oh why am i always the last to know? oh let me tell you. because all i've been doing is work work work work work work work work work!

my sister and dad are going on a holiday to vietnam this coming raya. and i'm not. why? because i need to work. oh wow. how surprising...

thank god i really like the company that i'm working for.

omg. lynn. stop talking about your job!!!!!!

ok. other news.

there are no other news. my life revolves around my work. how pathetic is that!!! argh!

i think this is the most exclamation mark i've ever used in any of my posts.

i'll just update on the usuals la. the boyfriend and i are doing great. he's coming over soon!! and i will only let out the exact month once he confirms the ticket. and once he gets on the plane...that's when i'll let out the exact date and time. and then maybe i'll let out our itenary. hehe...fun fun fun! i miss that big guy. my teddybear. my human bolster.

aww...

other than that? nothing la. i'll go take some pictures and find a way to load it in. blek.

btw. i'm on a mission of losing weight. been eating much much lesser. yey!

ok. back to work. SOBS!

so i'm bored with waiting

2008-07-18T11:56:00.002+08:00

i'm now at work...waiting for tapes to come so that i can log them in and start edits on scenes that i don't have yet. but is it here? nooooo...then where is it? i don't know.

oh well...doesn't matter la.

i've got a massive headache. could it be because i'm bored or could it be because i need glasses? i think it's the latter. things are kinda a blur these days and i need to squint at times to see things clearly. mostly if there's a glare invovled...like the computer screen.

work is alright. nothing great to shout about. people are leaving right, left, back and center. i like the company i'm working at now and i love my colleagues. they're the awesomeness people i could ever ask to work with.

but you know i love you baby.

yesterday, the boyfriend asked me whether my sister knows that i'm still with him. i told him i think so and really...i don't care. why should i care anyway? my brother doesn't give two cents about my relationship with the boyfriend. the only advice he has ever given me about the boyfriend and i was 'make sure you know what you're doing ah!'

yes kor... i know what i'm doing. don't worry.

considering the fact that noone reads my blog these days due to my lack of posts (sorry...been completely lazy and busy at the same time) i have a secret to tell you. there's a secret party tomorrow at a secret location with a secret code in-store. hehehe. ooo...and there's alcohol invovled too so yea...alcohol...yummy...

i'm hungry. but i don't know what to eat. what do you suggest brown cow?

the boyfriend once told me about this advertisement in the states. i forgot what for...wendy's perhaps or something like that la. this dude went to a fastfood restaurant or something...actually, i forgot the story. basically. there was this chinese girl who said:

'how now brown cow?

white dude says:

'what ev-'

nevermind. i suck at telling jokes right right right?

urbanscapes! i know so long ago can die right? sigh. i bought a tube dress and a super awesome green green cardi from mannequeene. their clothes were pretty expensive tho...but the ones i bought were okla. not too pricey than the rest of it. i bought a button! brooch button. purple in colour. totally awesome. and i had expensive rm3 kebab which didn't have much meat in it. oh well.

okla. lazy again. i'll go look at clothing blogs again la. see what i can find online. till next month? hehehe.

i crown thee...

2008-07-04T10:17:00.002+08:00

don't you think our politicians are such dramaqueens?

brit brat boo.

what's new.

irregular

2008-06-27T11:49:00.002+08:00

hello. i'm sick. i don't know why or what it is but my heart is beating real fast. this started about...a couple of days ago. does working late, drinking coffee and stressing out easily makes this happen.

sorry la. can't type right now. difficult la.

and also...been busy with impian. new dramedy series. go watch la. i think i'll go rest somewhere.

sad songs makes me cry

2008-05-25T09:08:00.002+08:00

does that ever happen to you? crying because you've heard a sad love song...of lost love...of far-away love...of waiting for love to come...and you just tear up just a little. and slowly...almost towards the end of the song, you truly break down and cry because you realise that the song is about you.

*digressing:a miracle just happened. i tried to kill this pesky mosquito that thought my nemo fish in corals desktop picture was real and it didn't die! it just flew back up and flutterred away.*

ever since one of the senior producers in the office made me listen to david cook's (i know! he won! and i didn't even follow idol this year) version of 'always be my baby', i always get a little teary-eyed. then yesterday on my way phone i heard phil collin's 'one more night'. another sad love song about lost love and waiting for the next love to come. there's another song i heard about how one half of the couple is somewhere else. that is the song of the boyfriend's and my relationship. another song that makes me cry right now (eventhough it has nothing to do with my relationship) is kris dayanti's 'cobalah untuk setia'.

sometimes i wonder how can one person cheat on the other with someone else when every night you tell your partner that you love them. that you'll take care of them. you sleep on the same bed. do everything together. the only time she/he doesn't see you is at work and that tempts you to cheat? why? why cheat when you have someone who loves you so much, sacrifices everything for you, does everything for you, tries so hard to be who you want them to be and yet you up and leave for another?

i just don't understand people who does that. if you don't love your partner anymore and you're starting to like someone else...why not just break it off rather than hurting two people simultaneously? well, unless you're a cold-blooded monster la.

kris dayanti's character in the mtv dies in the end. in the arms of her stupid, cheater of a husband. stupid.

does mosquitoes flutter?

happy birthdaaaaaay!

2008-05-13T16:28:00.000+08:00

TO ME!

*mwahs*

birthday month

2008-04-28T17:06:00.002+08:00

hehe.

my birthday's this month.

my birthday present(s) wishlist for this year:

1. a small, portable, not too expensive sewing machine. because i want to learn to make stuff for friends. not clothes because i believe i need to go for classes for that even though my mom was a home econs teacher before. hehe. i wanna make plushies! crazy cute plushies and toys for babies and adults who stilll think they're babies.

2. a bigger dresser/wardrobe. just because mine is overflowing with clothes.

3. a gym partner. obviously why.

4. a lifetime 50% discount or something to dorothy perkins or topshop. because i love pretty and expensive clothes...that fit me. sungei wang has pretty and expensive clothes and so does other shopping malls. but they don't fit me.

5. a return plane ticket to tempe, arizona plus some travel allowance for 'necessities'. you know...just in case. hehe.

6. all of my bestfriends to come back and actually hang out with ME! *hint hint*

7. a new macbook pro. no need external hard drive because i already have one which i hardly ever use. stupid me.

8. one paid semester of culinary school in new york or somewhere overseas. then after that i'll handle it on my own. i promise!

9. lots and lots of pretty dresses and shoes!

10. great health...and wealth of course. to me and to all around me.

ok. so now go fulfill either one of it. hehe.

uncertainty

2008-04-22T11:47:00.002+08:00

i don't know why but i have this feeling inside of me that feels kinda...weird. it's like i'm just floating around, waiting for time to go by, not knowing what to do or what i'm doing.

it's making me wanna puke.

it's like fear but not. because there's nothing i'm afraid of right now. it's an unsettling feeling right in the pit of my stomach. it doesn't make a sound and yet it grumbles. it makes me jump the way you do when someone surprises you but not really. it's like i had too much caffeine.

it's giving me a headache. migraine maybe.

it makes me miss the boyfriend even more. because i wish he could come and take me home now...and make me feel better.

sobs.

this is what i like

2008-04-15T14:29:00.002+08:00

1. fuschia...not pink. fuschia. and yes...there's a difference.
2. jeans that fit and not jeans i just had to buy because i don't have any that doesn't have holes in them.
3. weight. losing that is. a girl my size would not want to put on anymore weight ok. did you see my fat ass before? gawd.
4. a mani and pedi. neither that i've done before.
5. sandals/slippers that do NOT die on me after one week of purchase.
6. dresses. any dress! preferably empire waisted, big full skirt and totally fun colours. i don't pull off black that well.
7. mary jane heels. i would so love to own one. in fuschia.
8. long cardigan. grey and white stripes. or black and red. whichever.
9. a bigger wardrobe.
10. ice cream on a hot sunday afternoon.
11. shopping at flea markets. the curve's alright. mont kiara is ok. haven't been to amcorp's yet.
12. simple necklaces.
13. tattoo behind my right ear.
14. my very very very good friends. because i love my best friends.

okla. i love all of you la. don't fight over me.

15. editing...on fcp.
16. my fuschia ipod mini that still needs more songs! and need clearing up because really, i just skip some of the songs on it. waste of space.
17. chicken porridge.
18. hokkien mee!
19. going to uni. sobs. i miss uni.
20. driving my manual wira. automatic is sooo boring. hehe.
21. coffee at starbucks while waiting for my car to be serviced.
22. walking aimlessly at shopping malls.
23. chocolate.
24. chipster!
25. daisies and dancing ballerinas. it's a type of orchid ok. i don't like the real deal. they look funny. no offense!
26. fluffy pens.
27. clothes that fit and affordable.
28. printed tees but can't seem to find any to my liking yet.
29. kids. i like other peoples' kids. i will try to love my own. hehe.
30. not knowing what's going to happen tomorrow.

wee!

mundane boring sigh

2008-04-08T09:08:00.002+08:00

so far...nothing much has happened in my life. wee...how happening is that huh...

okla. i've made some really great friends ever since i joined the new company. really great, crazy ass friends. wild, crazy, zany, o.t.t...everything la. very cool. very fun. just the other night, the five of us went out to one.u. i believe we spent almost thirty minutes at dorothy perkins. why? we were ALL trying to convince one of us to get a pair of jeans. not me. because i've already got one from dorothy perkins. and i got it altered because it's kinda long right...and i bought it one size bigger than what i usually wear because ... well, it felt much more comfortable. but now it's kinda dropping. argh! oh...and the altered part? it's still kinda long. sucks.

so something exciting is going to happen this sunday. it's supposed to be a secret so i can't reveal what's going to happen to me until it actually does. sunday! and monday i shall let you know.

how many people reads my blog anyway?

trivia: did you know that i'm a breach baby? haha...that's right. i came out with my legs first. wait...did i already mention that at the before trivia? sorry la. i'm hopeless at remembering what i wrote before. there really isn't a need for me to have super memory powers right? as long as i remember who my friends, family and related beings are to me and my boyfriend's name...i'm good. even though i might not even remember my own name but that's ok because david the boyfriend will constantly remind me. right baby? hehehe.

oh yea. my sister's black nike shoes were stolen this morning. we have a shoe stand right outside the main door between that and the grill. this morning, as my sister woke up, got ready and wanted to leave for work, she realised that her favourite driving shoe was GONE! MISSING! HILANG! BU JIAN! how? someone stole la. who? like i know. but really. it's horrible la. there's no need to steal people's shoe you know.

so...

to the person who stole my sister's shoe and probably a few other peoples' as well...i know there's a million to nothing chance that you'll be reading my blog but i just have to say this...

you do NOT want to face the wrath of my sister, or my brother, or me. so...i suggest for you to put the shoes back where they belong before any of us catch you with it and trust me...it would not be pretty. already i can envisioned fat, chubby, heavy me running after you. then i jump on a high ledge and jump on you...crushing you down with my weight. i snatch the shoes off your hands and sit on you...not caring whether i break your hands or ribs or..or..whatever. then i shall laugh...mmmmMMMWWAAAAhahahaHAHAHAHAHA...(totally evil laughter ok) and announce to the whole apartment complex that i have caught the shoe stealer!

mmwwwaaaahahahahahaha!

plethora

2008-03-31T12:13:00.003+08:00

the last time i heard that word was on fly.fm. they were trying to get people to call in and let them know what big gigantic word that the people didn't know the meaning off...and one of it was plethora.

the other last time that i heard plethora was on sister act 2. and that was about it.

i'm increasingly getting more and more excited about the days to come. nothing in particular to look forward to but the numerous phonecalls from david the boyfriend, emails from vanessa in perth, reading blogs and perezhilton, and work. somehow, just doing routine-like stuff everyday makes me feel a little better. it could also be because someone i love had a near death experience and i guess that made me love life a little bit more. and love that person a lot more too.

anyway...

*updated at 7.05pm*

here i am sitting at my desk waiting for traffic to ease. what else is there left to do but to watch ghost on 8tv and malaysiandreamgirl.tv. ghost? love it. mdg? boring. but somehow, i'm still drawn to watch it. probably just to see who wins it in the end. aiya...don't wanna comment too much on the show. really. my two cents worth of crap wouldn't matter anyway.

finally the kids math tv show is over! numbersquad on tviq channel 552, sundays at 8am or if you're lazy, 2pm. watch watch watch! okla. kinda late to ask you to watch it already because it's been on for like a month already. this week will be episode 5. i don't have a favourite episode though. i used to love math alot thanks to my form five add math teacher. i forgot what's her name. she was the only good thing that happened to me and my entire last year of secondary school when we moved.

a little trivia.

did you know that i cried on the first day of school in form five? y'see...i just moved from one district to the other. and i hated my classmates. hated the teachers. hated the school. everything. people were jealous of me because i can speak almost perfect english and malay...with a slang too by the way. there was this girl in my class and she was the reigning queen of language before i came. and boy...did she make my life hell. these...kids! and to think that these 'kids' are from the city while big ol' me was from the kampung. total wtf-ness.

i had friends from that last year. but these friends weren't gonna last me a lifetime. they were just there for the moment. a total justincaseigetlonely kind of friends you know? don't you have that too some time in your life? you befriend that person who sits next to you or is in the same room as you are when you're at camp and you SWEAR! to be bffs forever and ever? i did. every camp, meeting, gathering, class i went to...i always had a new best friend...for the next three days of course. when the dreadful day of seperating comes, we cry and hug and tell each other that we'll write and call at least once a week to catch up and will never ever betray one another. a few months later, you go 'joanna who?'

so not pinpointing okay my limited supply of friends. it's just a name. joanna can be anyone right? in my friendster account, i have at least 4 joannas. so puhleese...think before you judge.

i want to post up a picture. but i'm using a mac. and my darling camera can't be read on it...i think. sobs. i guess i'll just have to upload it somewhere first and then upload it here and then see what happens.

so far life has been treating me good. i've yet to put on any weight. but then...i've yet to lose any! so not fair. work is alright. not too busy yet. will be pretty soon i think. i've been hearing horror stories about this new client. omg. scary. if you don't hear from me after one week, please call and find out whether i'm in the asylum already or not ok?

oh crap. i so need to blog this. i was driving this morning right? and suddenly i could hear...and FEEL! by the right front tyres...*pop*pop*POP*pop*. scary okay. then after that okay already. but seriously..wtf! then i encountered an idiotic selfish driver who would not let me go into his lane after i left my signal on for about 5 minutes showing him that i would like to enter his lane. because hey! i've got every right too seeing that the road was gonna join up in front. but what the heck did this stupid selfish idiotic bastard do? he didn't let me! not at all! not a single chance! and when i finally gave up and went back to my original lane (mind you...the entire time i was in between lanes. a-hole), the bloody idiot change into my lane and suddenly was behind me. fwah. you infuriate me, i'm just gonna infuriate you even more. a-hole! a-hole!!

today is full of wtf-ness.

i held a snake and it was awesome

2008-03-25T17:58:00.001+08:00

i think it said it all.

a real snake.

a boa phyton. her name is cookie. snookie actually.

baby...i want a snake ok?

wrong side

2008-03-21T09:26:00.003+08:00

i woke up today not feeling very happy. not my usual self. uncheerful. unsatisfied. un...happy. and i have no idea why.

perhaps it's because the idiotic time of the month has come. only david my boyfriend knows how much i loathe getting my period. it's messy and dirty. i know it's a good sign that i'm getting it what with the whole i'm healthy i can have children i am okay forever stuff. but don't tell me you don't think it's dirty and messy? and my kind is not the regular flow. not like everything will flow out gently and nicely like a soothing river. mine's like a freaking waterfall.

shuddup lynn. you will definitely lose all your friends after the one minute they spent on reading that disgusting paragraph.

oh wow. now i speak to myself. like you don't. shuddup. no you shuddup. no YOU shuddup. NO YOU SHUDDUP VOICES IN MY HEAD! ARRRRGGHHH.....!!

*breathe*

anyway, i'm not happy. i'm not happy that david and i aren't together physically. i'm not happy that i'm not where i want to be...the place where i can be myself and do what i want and be who i really am without living in fear and in the realms of other peoples' control (perth perth perth perth perth perth perth icandothisforeveryouknow). i'm not happy that i've lost very good friends due to some stupid childish acts on both parties. i'm not happy that ALL of my bestfriends have left or are leaving the country for better prospects. yes. i'm naming laulinzhi, vanessagoh, syikinali and soon evazahar as the culprits. not that i don't support it but sobs. i'm gonna be selfish and say this...why did/are all of you leaving me alone? sobs.

ok lynn. enough drama. cut the crap. go back to work.

shuddup voices in my head! shuddup!

no you shuddup.

NOOOOOoooo...YOU shuddup!!! shut up shut up shut up!

*sorry...lynn's going thru some mental breakdown now*

no i'm not!

great. now i don't know how to end this post.

the.end.

aiyo

2008-03-20T11:13:00.002+08:00

honest to god i should seriously clean up my room.

clear up my shelves. clear up my wardrobe. clear out the junk underneath my bed. throw out clothes. get more storage space or something. seriously.

i love my room. i do. but it's just so uber messy and dirty and disgusting.

you see, i'm at work most of my time. and if i'm not at work then i'm at gym. if i'm not at gym then i'm too tired to do anything after everything. see! where got time?!

got. must make time. instead of going out and spending tonnes of money...i should instead spend time cleaning my room and throwing out unnecessary crap.

i think i need help. i am too emotional to throw things out. i am! just ask my sister. she wanted to give away books and i said no. because they're books and we bought it and it belongs to us and it doesn't make any sense to give books away! it's..BOOKS! i grew up with books.

but then...wouldn't it benefit other people? i thought.

hmm...i guess it makes sense now. i came to a conclusion.

i should write a book on myself. yea?

pffft! who am i kidding. i don't even blog enough to save my life if i had to what more write a book on myself. besides, what's so interesting about a girl who has a long distance boyfriend who she has been dating for 4 years but have only spent one month of physical closeness, works at a production house editing tv shows and sometimes...SOMETIMES...meeting celebrities and having them as friends, family who is kinda weird and eccentric and zany at times but most of the time they're all so boring and normal, friends who are as weird if not less than she is and are totally cool and she sometimes wishes she could be like them etc etc etc.

pffft! totally pffft!

sobs

2008-03-19T10:37:00.002+08:00

the boyfriend didn't do anything wrong to me. he just went missing when he went back to arizona for a day and i got worried because i didn't know where to call to find out whether he was ok or not. and he did it to get his revenge.

smart or not? what kind of answer was that huh. sigh...

i'm listening to bryan adams' i can't stop loving you. remembering that one month in perth when the boyfriend came over and met me and my friends. my friends said that it was the happiest they ever saw me. really? because i did feel so. i wonder whether my family will notice the same difference in me when david, my boyfriend for four years, comes over to meet them some time this year. i hope they won't freak out and be mean. i hope they will understand our relationship. they probably can't accept our relationship for whatever reasons but i just hope that they will understand. i hope they know that he makes me happy...even though we've been apart for the most part of our relationship. the only person that i really want to accept our relationship is my sister.

please jie? just try ok?

the boyfriend has just started work again in the field of the course that he's about to take. i'm proud of him. mwahs!

i'm ok with where i am now. i can do better i know. i can be in a better place and be happier. but i will! soon.

well, i'm going back to work now. i shouldn't even be typing this right now. gawd.

so tired can die

2008-03-10T12:53:00.002+08:00

not because of work.

but because of the boyfriend.

i only slept for 2 hours last night.

spent 3 hours crying.

hate him.

i need to work. sobs. but i also need sleep. i can't properly yawn because my right jaw hurts so bad. i don't know why. but it hurts. sobs.

for the past week, i've been putting 's' behind every single word i say...for examples, likes thiss. is don'ts knows whys i-s talks likes this-s. it's freakings ridiculous-s i-s knows. hashashas.

ok. hashashas sounds so stupid.

i'm still sick. probably will still be sick for the entire week. weakening already. not enough rest and sleep and loads of stress. not good not good. went shopping. didn't get much and yet ended up using close to rm200. wtf i know. how do i do it? no idea. need to save money! argh.

need sleep first. ok?

running nose

2008-03-05T11:52:00.002+08:00

why do people call it running nose when your nose phlegm is dripping from your nose? nose phlegm. what's it called actually? being sick has made me very stupid indeed.

so i'm doing this kids programme. and i'm having nightmares and dreams about it...graphics especially. wee...

on other news, other than me being sick-the boyfriend moved back to arizona-i'm still sick-doing kids math programme...i found out that something so crazy has been happening to three people that i've known before and during my little thingy at perth. zomg. wtf. crazy people. utterly crazy. even the boyfriend was stunned. oh well.

things happen at a certain time for a reason. you know he loves you and you know you love him. why be so crazy and hysterical and jealous all the time? it's really your own fault you know...being who you are now and who you were before. sigh...and you say that you don't have friends anymore. how to have friends when your attitude is so horrible towards everybody? girl...you're not the victim. we all are. your FORMER friends. why former? because you treated all of us like crap once you got him in your trap. you refused to listen to any of us. you refused to even act like a friend. so whatever la. our friendship has been severed for ages already. sometimes i do miss having you as a friend but a second later i go...so what? she's gonna hurt me more by being her friend.

losing one good friend to a man is not worth losing the friendship. good luck to you.

ta daa! my bitch slap for the whole year! so not proud but being sick makes you do sick things right?

ok. stop using being sick as an excuse lynn and start working!

my glamorous pink room...not

2008-02-26T10:43:00.002+08:00

as most malaysians who are still staying in malaysia, they would know that it's been hazing for the entire week or so. so it was a real blessing when it rained last night. but it wasn't just any normal drizzle drizzle rain rain kind of rain. it was more of a BOOM BOOM BAM THUD THUD KABAAAAM kind of rain. it was heavy as fuck.

i was asleep like a dead log..haha..by the time i got home at 10pm. the rain started around 1am i think. at first i just slept thru the entire thing because who the heck doesn't love sleeping with the sound of rain accompanying you, right? but something woke me up and lo behold, there was a puddle of rain water.

first thought : oh fuck. this is really really bad. crap. what do i do now?

yes my dear friends, it has happened before. you see, i've got a faulty window on one side and i thought the other side was ok. but no. obviously. the tenants who stayed at the apartment before we took over it somehow managed to damage it. i wanted to get it changed but oh well...words words words. so anyway, it was flooded. literally. my poor brother and sister were woken up by me and my constantly banging door.

ok. banging door. sounds so obscene. banging door. banging door. banging door.

now it's just completely funny. hehe.

anyway, all my towels save for the one hanging on the towel rack soon found themselves on the floor, soaking up all the dirty rain water. i jokingly told my brother that it looked like a little waterfall...it was so cool and yet dangerous. it was crazy i tell you. crazy! it really looked like a little waterfall. my brother then proceeded to tell me to shut up. shut up i did. i didn't go back to sleep till about 4 am and i was actually scheduled to wake up at 6.15am so that i can go to the gym before work. fat chance of that happening after such a night.

my pink room is now not so glamorous anymore. ok la. never was anyway. i need to find a way to keep the floor super clean. now it's just sticky no matter how many times i mop it with clorox and that detergent thing. floor cleaner thing. or something. hm.

the boyfriend should now be back in arizona. poor him. ah well, i'm sure he'll be better off there than in michigan anyway. it seemed so depressing over at michigan. so i've not been there and i've not heard any stories of it nor do i actually have friends who are or were at michigan to study. but watching roger by michael moore was enough to make me cringe...and not want to go to michigan. remember that scene where that lady or man or somebody raised rabbits...make them all fluffy and cute only to kill them later on for meat?

poor bunnies.

throb...throb

2008-02-18T22:16:00.002+08:00

as bad as that sounds...it's not something other than my brain that's throbbing.

don't be so dirty minded.

i've been spending late nights at the office for the past two weeks now. it's crazy. been working on a new programme called number squad. it's a kids programme on mathematics. full on graphics. i suck at graphics. seriously. i really suck at it. but thank god i have colleagues who are helpful and are willing to teach me tonnes of new stuff. i love my job.

but not as much as i love you babe. don't worry ok, worry pot? hehe.

tired. so tired. i'm still stuck in the office. don't think i'm gonna be going home tonight. if i do, it'll be late. i don't think it's safe for me to drive home so late anyways considering the fact that i'm already so freaking tired.

argh. help.

keep a bucket near you

2008-02-15T08:53:00.003+08:00

happy valentine's day, baby.

i know you probably won't be reading this now that you don't have internet at home but i just wanted to tell you how much i appreciate and love you. we never celebrated anything for the four years that we've been together...well, other than our second anniversary when you came over to perth. being with you is perfect. although we fight and all, it's ok. because we always work things out and be together again...probably more in love and appreciative of each other. thank you baby for everything. maybe this year we can celebrate our fourth year together...here in malaysia? please?

i think i hear someone gagging already.

ok. so i know valentine's day is so over commercialised and i've never celebrated it before. even when i'm with the boyfriend. it's just another day that somehow signifies love. so does it mean, you only love your loved one more on valentine's day and not as much on normal days? that's insane. poor other-side-of-the-relationship. the boyfriend isn't much of a romantic...well, to me la. he doesn't celebrate birthdays, anniversaries and valentine's. actually, he doesn't remember the dates and i would have to remind him about a week before the date. yes, even my birthday. and he always picks a fight with me on my birthday. i have no clue why. it's like my birthday present but not really. get it? but i think him coming to perth to visit me for a whole month was so romantic. we were dirt poor at that time but it didn't bother us. as long as we had each other, nothing can break us.

however, this year for some unknown reason he was so sweet and romantic and loving. i have no clue what he has planned in that head of his. but it was sweet. hehe. he kept wishing happy valentine's day in a very high pitched-super excited voice everytime we called each other on the phone. but it was really cute and sweet.

*swoon*

i miss him.

i love you.

happy post-valentine's day baby!

happy rat year

2008-02-11T15:42:00.000+08:00

so how was chinese new year?

mine was filled with worry and stress. people at home probably didn't feel it or realise it but yes...i was stressed. to hell. like crazy. almost dying.

nevermind why i was. i just was and still am.

collected and gave some ang pows this year. i guess because i'm already working, i should contribute some some instead of just receiving right? i would love to contribute to charity but i think...i'm not that rich yet. but i could spend some time with the people at the charity place right? but you see...the thing is...i don't even have time for myself, the boyfriend and the rest of the clan what more of others right?

omg. i'm so mean.

ok. i take everything back. i shall TRY to go to a charity home and help out. now that i've become a regular at my gym every weekend (yes...i am still trying very hard to go during week days too but time has no meaning in my line of job) i could also spend time at the charity home, correct? perhaps i could go back to spca?

hmm

prepaid and all

2008-02-04T11:46:00.000+08:00

now that i've been working for a good year...it must be a great time for me to change to a postpaid plan for my cell phone right? wrong. why? because it'll give me an excuse to use my phone more often than i usually do already. and it's not like i do local calls often. i text locally of course...but i call the states so often that it's crazy and out of this world!

but really. who cares eh?

anyway. my only woe about having a prepaid plan is that i have to constantly top up when it's out of credit. the most convenient way is to do it online via maybank2u.com.my right? wrong. ok well...it worked out fine before but now...it's slow! perhaps it's just the server. it's just the server lynn...just the server...just the server....just the server...just the server...

oooooommmmm.....

so i went to palate palatte yesterday. no i didn't take any pictures. because there were just too many people and too many things to see. and you'd think i wouldn't get anything from the junkyard sale. you're wrong! mwaahahaha. it's better than mont kiara's flea market. better than the curve's. better than amcorp mall's eventhough i've yet to go to that one. i bought a wood+plastic beads bracelet and a small green+gold shiny lamb brooch. it all came up to...

two ringgit! TWO RINGGIT! one ringgit each! ONE FREAKING RINGGIT EACH!

haaa....happy. because i've been looking for the cutest brooch i could get my hands on and i did! in the shape of a green+gold lamb. super cute. no pictures yet...cuz i was just so malas to take pictures.

met old faces...people i knew from college but they just didn't have an inkling as to who i am. haha. goes to show that i am such a sucker. made new friends. more like got to know bianca and diana's friends. it was great. i'm glad the girls invited me to pp yesterday.

crap. i need to lie down but cannot. because i'm at work. and i need to lie down because i'm having my period.

go gag now.

ting!

2008-02-01T15:23:00.000+08:00

and i have a new layout.

lazy to go do it up all nice and pretty. so i just went to blogger and just ripped one off. didn't even go to blogskins.com to get any. i think that site is too messy...and i couldn't find a design that i liked. seriously.

anyway...what has been up with me for the past how many days. ok la. fattening but ok la. currently the office seems quiet and i haven't been doing much work. but it's ok. learning new stuff everyday which is great. i'm starting edit on a kids programme next monday...to be shown on channel 552-tviq. don't think i can leak out any details but who cares anyway.

afterall...noone reads my blog. right diana?

so chinese new year is coming up real soon. can't wait! i didn't buy much new clothes. only like...a top or so i think. i don't know. don't really bother. i think it's true when they say that when you get older...you just tire of these 'traditions'. i'm not tired of it, just can't be bothered. no point. besides, i get to buy new clothes every other month or so when i save up enough. i still owe my dad two.k you know. sigh. money money money. wouldn't it be nice if there isn't such a thing as money and we would still live prosperously? if only.

the boyfriend was scheduled to come for a visit in june or so. but maybe not, considering the fact that we both don't have that much money and we have our future to think about. i know it's crazy to think about that so early and quick but think about it...we have been together for four years. physically one month but it's enough for us to know that we will be happy. always. and if my sister is reading this, she'll probably puke and call me right away and give me one good loud scolding.

oh well. what's new. used to it.

what else what else.

oooh. i'm going for the junkyard sale at palatte palatte this sunday. wee. pictures pictures load of pictures. i know i owe my blog tonnes of pictures. don't worry. i will. soon. promise promise promise.

ok la. done.

merry xmas + happy 2008

2008-01-15T12:27:00.000+08:00

so i've been missing for the past month. what happened to me?

nothing really.

just been busy with my work. once the movie was done, i took a week off to go back to take care of my dad. then once i came back, straight away was on stress mode. sigh.

facebook is driving my crazy! so many applications to ignore. so many friends to look for. but time is like non existent right now.

i can't even spell anymore. crap.

nothing much to say la really. the blog has been boring. i think it's time for a change. layout change yes? hmm...

wow

2007-12-28T23:29:00.000+08:00

one month of no updates?

no way...

i've been a total slacker.

i'm so so sorry.

on the bright side, i've gotten my camera back from my aunt so i can post up pictures soon. no pictures of the shoot though. it's all p&c till the movie comes out next june.

merry christmas! i've made so many friends these past three months and it's such a great feeling. wow.

anyway, dad's operation is over. not sure how's it all coming along. there was swelling yesterday. but apparently he can walk though. perhaps it's just some kind of side effects. i dunno. as long as he's alright...that's all that matters.

oh well...i'll be heading off to johor next week for a week. it'll be my turn to take care of dad. wee...

it's been too long, my dear

2007-11-13T22:44:00.000+08:00

because of work commitments, i've thoughtlessly abandoned you, my dear blog and friends.

and also blame it on facebook. hehe.

a little bit of worrying news. my dad who just turned 61 years old, will be going for a knee surgery. he has been suffering with really bad knees for the past 17 years. the past 5 years that i've taken notice of his knee, it was alright. but this year, it was just bad. he walks with a distinct limp and i know from the cringe on his face...it hurts so bad. i wish i could help him ease the pain but i know i can't. i just hope that with this surgery, everything will be ok and he will be able to walk with less or no pain. i'm so worried though...over what his friends and acquaintances have been telling him. that sometimes, those who go in for this kind of surgery hardly comes out walking again.

i have to be strong. for my dad. he needs it. he deserves it. after all that he's gone thru for my family and after my mother's death, the least i can do is be strong for him and have faith.

and yes...of course i will be going back to take care of him. my sister is too. i'm glad she is.

anyway...enough of sad sobby stuff. let's talk about work! this is such an exciting job. i love it here. even if i had a sucky job in the company...i would've loved it anyway. i enjoy my time there that i don't even realise that it's already 12am. the stress part hasn't hit me yet and i'm kinda anticipating it. i don't even know why. it's crazy. i think i'm good at what i do but of course i have tonnes to learn. i found out today that i suck at doing graphics. i thought i'm a creative person but i guess not. oh well...i've got to learn one way or another la.

next week or so onwards, i'll be following a movie shoot as assistant editor. weeee...! but it's going to be super scary because i'll be uploading all of their files on set and they'll be deleting whatever that i've uploaded and if i make a mistake...there goes my head and my job.

on other updates, the boyfriend and i have broken up....

...and got back together...

...numerous, countless times. over something stupid. really really stupid.

when we are old and gray and wrinkly...we'll sit down and think back to all those times he tried to break up with me...and we'll fight over it again and again and again. sigh...crazy old people.

anyway....i know i've been saying that i'll be putting up pictures but really...no need la. such a hassle. and i need to do loads of photoshopping and i'm so bummed right now.

patience...is a virtue, darlings.

two weeks maybe

2007-10-20T13:51:00.000+08:00

that's how long i've not blogged. and that's also how long i've started work at the new place.

how is it? love it. totally love it.

i've been editing promos for a couple of series and telenovelas and it's been great. nothing to shout about but so what? it's so much better knowing that i'm putting what i've learnt in uni to practice. or something like that.

i've come to realise that my english is getting from bad to worse. i've also realised that i need to get into shape. i've gained one kg since my brother came back. since i started work. since i started not to care.

but what's my motivation? i've asked myself so many times. losing weight and looking good should be one but somehow, it still doesn't give me the push that i need. people say that if you want it bad enough, you'll do it. does it mean that i don't want to shed all these flab? i do. if only it was possible for me to lift cleaver and scrape off all this junk from my body...i would be so thankful. i paid so much for gym and yet i find myself in front of the tv. perhaps i need a friend but they go to different gyms. my sister too. this is so sad.

so how's work so far? good. excellent. woo hoo!

that's all.

why do people smoke? does it bring them satisfaction? does it make them happy? or just because it makes them look cool. a pretty girl is sitting in front of me. very pretty. with a tattoo on her hip. but she smokes. it spoilt everything. but i guess it's the same thing for fat girls. you know you're fat and you're still eating that fatty, cream covered cake that will no doubt land on your thighs and arms and tummy?

sorry. i have body issues. must be getting my period soon.

i have so many pictures to put up but i haven't photoshopped any of it yet. sob sob. wait la ya. soon soon.

encounter

2007-09-30T15:33:00.000+08:00

what is the chance of me bumping into a girl who studies in the same uni that i did in a starbucks that i've only been to twice?

i'm guessing only a tiny fraction.

i start work at the new office tomorrow. i'm kinda excited and anticipating it but really...i don't know what to expect. so i guess i'm just gonna go in with my head held high and just go with the flow.

there's this chinese girl on my left who's been playing music from her laptop for over an hour. loudly. in starbucks. where there are actually people other than her who would love to listen to the oldies being played on the loudspeaker (ie: me). right now, she's playing you promise me by... i forgot who featuring benny benassi. i think. should have gone for that one nation rave. damnit.

i hope my grandma's not locked out of the house. my brother, who's back from china for a while, and i went out after lunch to do some errands. hehe. starbucks is my errand. my brother's going to the workshop to get the car fixed and also get a haircut at i-don't-know-where. my grandma went out with one of my countless aunts and another one of my countless aunts was in the house. god knows where she went. when countless aunt 1 dropped my grandma off, countless aunt 2 was no where in sight. actually... i dunno what's the story la.

ok la. i'm gonna waste more of my time playing dynomite. hehe. happy sunday!

out of it

2007-09-26T13:46:00.000+08:00

i'm free. i'm serious.

i quit! my job! my wedding editing job! my love affair with wedding's hasn't ended yet and i doubt it ever will but nevertheless...i'm done with editing wedding videos over and over again. i'm done with working on my own and talking to myself and the four walls. i'm done with having too much freedom and control of my own.

i needed to get out of there. or i will get too comfortable with it and never grow from it.

starting monday, i will be working for another company. not wedding related but even better. a production house that does movies, tv series, commercials and such. to my good friends, they would know that i've always wanted to join this company ever since i graduated. but why did i not end up there from the beginning?

simply because i was too chicken to send my resume to them.

i figured that since that they're such a good and well established company, they wouldn't want a fresh graduate like me to ruin they're good reputation.

but they took me in anyway!

i'm so happy. happy yappy yey!

the boyfriend is on his way to michigan. going home to dad because he has to. i'm glad that he is.

**ok. digressing. i'm sitting in starbucks at ioi mall and they're playing that song from dirty dancing when baby and patrick swayze had that dance-sex routine. i found that particular scene such a turn on even though there wasn't any sex involved but the whole emotion just captured me. of course the way the lights just shone on the important bits and pieces of patrick swayze's abs encouraged it.

so i promised pictures. nope it won't be posted yet because i'm going to do some photoshop magic on them. but first...i would need to install photoshop.

i'm so free this week i can die. i have nothing to do. no other commitments other than running errands for my sister and playing the sims2. i needed a break from the norm which is why i came here. and it's getting cold. crap.

crap.

supposed to

2007-08-29T15:42:00.000+08:00

hehe...i know i'm supposed to post up pictures from pangkor. but then i malas la. it's in my external hard drive and ... lazy la.

besides, who cares anyway right?

so two of my colleagues are leaving. and there's a story that accompanies it.

but i'm bound to secrecy and don't wanna get caught. hehehaha.

ooh oooh. mizcaney and i went to flyfm's radio station the other day. loved it. although i was kinda tired because i had a really late night. why? because i couldn't sleep la. ish.

going back to jb tmr. yey. holi-holi-daaaaay. i think my dad's gonna yell at me for still being fat. oh well...

sleepy and sick and feel like throwing up. seriously.

aiyo...my blog has worsened into a piece of junk. gone were the days when i could write tonnes and tonnes of crap. now i'm scared of the government dee. keeping a stringent check on all blogs...making sure noone talks bad about the country. it's not thaaaaat bad. just one bad thing leads to another.

better shut my mouth now. otherwise you'll see me in jail or banished from the country.

hello world

2007-08-20T14:22:00.000+08:00

you know it's funny...cue the haha-s...when you want to lose weight, you come up with these ridiculous plans of going to gym, eating right, going on diets blablabla...and yet you're still the same weight, same fatness and same everything.

horrible la.

but then again...how many times do i actually go to gym? lol. so i should not be complaining at all.

sigh...lynn lynn...

coffee makes me jittery. chocolate plus coffee makes me sick. coffee plus coffee with no food at all in my tummy makes me delusional...and prevents me from spelling certain words incorrectly. something is so wrong with me.

merdeka is coming. what's your plan? mine is to go back to johor and see my dad. and have him scold me for wasting money on gym and not going and 'if you say that you go to gym often...why are you still the same size?'

i should say....'because i've been losing all the water in my body. water does not make me lose my shape.'

or some crap like that la.

aiyo...help. can die dee.

ooh!!

2007-08-07T14:31:00.000+08:00

hugs and kisses to my brother!

mwahs mwahs mwahs!

you know you made my day today. hehe.

thanks for everything!

*skip*skip*skip*

three years of togetherness

2007-08-01T00:19:00.000+08:00

27 july, 2004...you told me that you love me. what did i say?

'are you for real?no way...what the heck did i do this time?'

8 august, 2004...i went back to college, thinking that it would never work out. that you were just a regular guy who pulled pranks on naive, stupid girls like me. that you would forget about me the moment we lost the momentum of talking to each other everyday. but you didn't. instead, you wrote to me. and perhaps, that's when i fell for you.

2nd week of september, 2004...we kept emailing each other. almost everyday. i didn't know that i was already in love with you. perhaps i was more in love with the fact that i know someone loves me even before looking at me. i wrote to you, telling you that writing to you was like writing in a diary. only difference was you wrote back. but suddenly...mails stopped coming. no word at all for three weeks. talked to all of my good friends. they said...don't worry. he'll write back. i cried myself to sleep almost every night...thinking of what had happened to you. of why was i so stupid to think that you would really, actually like me. of whether i was really, actually in love with you.

5 october 2004...you wrote back. and i told you i love you.

14 july 2006...you touched down in perth international airport. we hugged and i never wanted to let you go. even though i felt safe and well taken care of when we were apart...i felt complete and at peace when we were together. the first kiss that we shared was like magic. if i were in harry-potter-land, sparks would fly and fireworks would erupt. hehe.

15 august 2006...you left me standing alone again in perth. i walked away as fast as my feet could take me in the blistering rain and cold. cried on my way back from the airport...never once looking back. i feared that if i did, i might just dash into the aeroplane and make you stay. i will never forget the last time i saw you before you disappeared behind those idiotic, stupid, bloody walls.

i'm just waiting for the next date. when is it and what is going to happen next?

mwah!

i love you, my baby.

here's to many, many more years of togetherness.

wouldn't it...

2007-07-15T10:36:00.000+08:00

wouldn't it be great if there really was world peace? but then, living in malaysia where there's no war and hardly anything happens around here except the occasional racial hiccups, i wouldn't know about the entire world. let's just say, i'm not well travelled and knowledgable about the world like some people are. so what if my boyfriend is an american? they aren't that smart anyway...not that i'm saying you're stupid baby. you're not. you're smart. the rest of them in your country isn't exactly...smart...you know?

nevermind.

wouldn't it be great if everyone was rich? not only financially rich but everything. love, happiness, health, wealth...and i dunno...everything. then noone can complain about not having this, not having that, not enough of this, not enough of that.

wouldn't it be great if hypermarkets in malaysia and around the world (again...i stress that i do not know the world so maybe they are already doing this) give out those green recycling bags for free and insists on having their customers use it when they go shopping instead of having them placed in plastic bags or ...gasp...placing it outside at the lockers?

digression : it costs rm2+ for a bag. ok. fine. a small price to pay to keep the environment happy and clean and healthy. but there isn't much stock available. in coles, berlambak (all over). here? 2 bags only at the check-out counter. and it's not like they assume that you're gonna use it. they just place the recycling bag in the non-recycable (sp?) bags. smart eh?

but then, i'm being a hypocrite. i am. i have two of the bags but i don't use them. why? because they're on top of the fridge at home and i'm always going grocery shopping on my way home from work. so, today, i shall grab those bags and put it in my car and i will bring it with me everytime i go grocery shoppping. and i will not let anybody tell me to place them in plastic bags or lockers.

ok. a moment for self-centeredness. please close your eyes and stop reading while i whore my wants and needs.

wouldn't it be great ...hehe...if i could make laptop all pretty with diamentes like...xiaxue? hahaha.

wouldn't it be great...hehe...if i could go to a slimming centre and just lose all this weight for free? then i can wear my bikini with pride. hahaha.

wouldn't it be great...hehe...if i had all the money in the world and buy pretty, pretty clothes and shoes and bags and shoes and clothes and and and and and...

wouldn't it be great if i had all the time in the world to jet set around the world with the boyfriend? or maybe just jet-set to sunny, desert arizona every once in a while? i want i want i want.

anyway...

what got me thinking about all these was...nothing. i've been thinking about it for awhile now...just never really gave it a thought. you know what i mean? i know you do.

i'm actually at work today. tired. restless. bored. sick. but i kinda like the industry now. well, i've always liked it anyway. just never thought it was lucrative. makes me wonder sometimes if i could do this on my own? with money, of course, and the determination and definitely courage (which i so totally lack), i know i can.

oh well...one day...one day.

as for now, i need to go poo and then start work.

fear

2007-07-11T11:16:00.000+08:00

fear. i cannot face fear dead straight in the face.

wtf.

i just can't face fear la ok. i have a fear for heights. fear for ants. fear of crazy drivers who honks at me when i showed my signal. fear of sales assistants following me around when i'm looking at clothes. fear of the waitress/waiters waiting at my table for my order. fear of speaking mandarin or any chinese dialect. fear of talking back...no scratch that. i have no problem with that at all.

fear of the unknown is the worst. what if when i go over there, i can't do anything. we don't have enough money. what if i get deported back? haha. fat chance but who knows. what if...what ifs.

fear of the what ifs would be more appropriate.

the bestfriend told me that i need to take a step back and really look at the situation. i've always done that. i tell him about it...and about the way i fell about certain things. but to him, it all doesn't make sense and it doesn't mean anything. i don't know what to say anymore so i give up and give in.

it's not his fault nor is it anybodys. i was given an opportunity but i never took it. a lot of opportunities in fact. all i did was let it slip through my fingers...like i always do.

sometimes, i wish i was like some of the girls that i know how just fly off whenever they want to and do the things that they want. but that's just because they can. the boyfriend isn't rich nor am i. i can hardly save what i'm earning right now because i've got so many things to pay for. it's the same for him too. it sucks living apart eventhough we started apart. but just that one month of togetherness was enough for the two of us to be completely happy. everyone said i looked the happiest when i'm with him since they've known me.

how to get rid of this fear i ask you. do i just shake it off or totally ignore it? or do i face and embrace it...deal with it and find solutions to it?

no 'oh well...' this time.

tripped and fell

2007-07-06T16:00:00.000+08:00

the day before my trip to pangkor, i tripped. and fell. and almost fainted.

it was crazy. i couldn't walk straight, couldn't talk coherently, couldn't stand, my head was so heavy and my body was so light ( actually..that was the only good thing i felt. for the first time, i felt so light ).i freaked out my friend who i haven't seen for 2 years and also a couple of mamak dudes.

you're right david. must have been the limau ais.

i'm alright now. the ankle is still kinda sore but at least it's not fractured like the other one is. yes, ladies and gentlemen...it's the right foot this time.

and i am officially a klutz.

pangkor was beautiful. we didn't take that many pictures tho' because as my sister said :

'what for? pangkor so near what. if want to take pictures can come back again.'

true. but i'm not rich like you, sister.

pictures will be up...hopefully on monday.

good morning

2007-06-29T12:01:00.000+08:00

i love good morning towels. they're so...homely. so...quaint. so...old school. the fact that you have to cut it into half to get two towels is just so...nice.

nice? nice...

so my sister and i are leaving for pangkor tomorrow. it just hit me this morning. she's way excited. her first real holiday this year. and my mission to get her a guy during our trip has somewhat failed. even before i even move an inch towards pangkor. why? because guys who are there are either :

gay
attached
looking for a one night stand-er
creeps.

so no. i shall find an alternative to it. noone works with me so that doesn't do. there's the guy downstairs who sells the best chap fan i've ever had. he might be single but i dunno. i see him texting someone at odd times. quite frequent too if he's not busy scooping rice into plates or polystyrene cases.

there's also the parking attendant who 'flirts' with me everyday according to caney. i do not flirt. i do not even own the art of flirting. i just...am friendly with people and have conversations with the people that i meet everyday. that's not flirting is it? besides, i was feisty and full of angst when i first met the boyfriend. and he liked that about me. past tense. now he just finds it annoying.

the uncle who shaped my office keys is ok too. but i think he's married and a little too old for her. but the pirated dvd guy who runs the shop behind the key uncle's stall looks kinda young. but then he isn't that honest is he? but who am i to judge? he's making a living in a somewhat honest way i think.

my friends are way too young for her.

the other guys that i do meet are my clients. and i'm in the wedding business. are you kidding me? i am so not a home / marriage wrecker. totally no fucking way.

help me help my sister.

oh but enough about her. me now. i had the greatest morning driving to work today. i was actually happy! there were hardly any cars at 9.50am on the ldp. how can? it never ever happened before ok. no traffic lights to stop at. no cars to honk. no getting mad at crazier drivers than what i already am. it was...nice.

nice? nice...

except for a perdana and a pajero who tried to overtake me at the wrong timing. i showed my signal but nooo...you just decided to overtake me on the right when

a) it's a corner

b) inching out into the next lane from a corner

tiu.tiupid.

other than that, my morning has been fine. and now i'm heading to my work computer and start on my edit.

pangkor shmangkor

2007-06-25T13:23:00.000+08:00

i'm leaving for pangkor on saturday with my sister.

woot woot!

i know i've been mean to my sister while i was in australia...saying bad things and all but hey, she's my sister and i love her.

and no, she did not pay me to say these things about her. but then again, she is paying for most of the trip so i had to say something right?

so yea. leaving on saturday early morning and will be back on tuesday afternoon. no work. no computers. no internet. no clients. nothing.

except the occasional calls from the boyfriend.

but it doesn't matter. why? because it's my holiday. holi holi-daaaaaay.

woot woot!

cannot tahan

2007-06-20T14:09:00.000+08:00

it's driving me crazy. me. one person. doing everything. how is that even possible? ridiculous. ok. ridiculous.

how can? annoying. argh. stupid. ridiculous ok. seriously. i know that this is the real world but still. ridiculous! and i'm not getting any incentive out of this! stupid stupid stupid!

it's time. seriously...i think it's a sign.

old times

2007-06-15T17:31:00.000+08:00

for two days this week, i've met up with a few of my former classmates from the good ol' convent days. i must admit, i was nervous in the beginning. i know everybody still looked the same but did they act the same? were their personality the same as how it was when i left in form four? were the same people? were they fatter or thinner or prettier or taller or shorter? what are they doing now? omg. have they accomplished something so amazing in life that i will be totally jealous of them for the rest of my life?

but most importantly, what will they think of me?

turns out, everybody is still the same. one is married (surprise surprise...yea yea yea...yawn) with a kid. the rest are still studying. one is looking out for job offers. i'm the only one working.

great. does that mean i'm...old? an adult? matured?

dang.

it was great catching up with the girls. talking about school. gossiping about friends who weren't there with us...talking about the present...it was great. i actually surprised myself for being so open and talkative. i'm usually very subdued amongst people...but of course i can turn that off and on whenever i want. it was great.

and now i'm just waiting for my friend, lauyah to pass me the pictures.

i have a friend who we call kiwifruit. i personally called her zhu. as in pig. we both do not remember what initiated it.

it was great.

f4 = awesomeness

2007-06-13T11:22:00.000+08:00

not the band. the movie.

no. not about the band. not about four guys...or girls...trying to be girls...or guys. i got mixed up. sorry.

the movie. fantastic four! eva got damaris and i tickets to the premiere and mwahs mwahs to her. i won't say anything at all about the movie because you deserve to watch the movie and be totally awed by it yourself. however, i can say something about what happened before and after the movie.

security was tight. we had to surrender our phones to the management. i suppose after spiderman 3's fiasco, they don't want to be in the press again. i'm totally for it but my ipod too? i don't remember reading anywhere that all electronic devices should be handed in. and besides, how the heck can my ipod record anything at all? there is no camera and no sound recording system. and the movie was just too good that if i was a pirate, i would be too busy watching the movie to even notice that the tape or battery had run out because my boss forgot to charge it.

the boyfriend and i were ok at first. and then he started to question whether i was really going on my own or with some other bloke. he asked for evadiva's number.

i said
'no because it's impolite to give out people's number without their permission.'

he said
'well, your phone is going to die, so i just want to check up on you to see whether you're ok or not after the movie'

i said
'no'

he said
why

i said
no

he said
tell me why lynn

i said
no

then i said
' i see eva coming. i gotta go.'

then he said
'let me talk to her.'

then i said
'no'

seriously...you don't wanna know what happened next. it'll bore your brains out. long story short, we had a major fight because i lied and he can't trust me blablabla.

but we made up and now we're in love again.

cue: awwwwwww.....

that

2007-06-07T19:24:00.000+08:00

i have no clue how come i have that search bar.

weird.

oh my god

2007-06-07T19:03:00.000+08:00

today, i found out two of my friends from high school are engaged. they have posted their engagement pictures on friendster. thus making me write a shoutout on friendster saying...

'who else is getting married?'

or somewhere along those lines.

how old are we? 22. appropriate age to marry you think? matured enough? i guess it just depends on individuals. so far, i know of six people from my batch in high school and uni who are either engaged, married, or married with a kid. no. make it seven. just like janice from friends would say...

ooouhh mmyyy gaaaoooddd...

yea.

sob

2007-06-05T14:58:00.000+08:00

i went through my australia pictures and i feel like crying...again.

why does it only happen when i go through the aussieland pictures? it always makes me feel nostalgic and and and...

sigh.

i cutted my hair on sunday. did i mention that already or am i being blur?

nevermind.

anybody wants to go shopping with me? anybody? i need new clothes and they have to be cheap...but have to fit me la. so far, cheap clothes = super tiny i think only my fingers can get in the sleeves.

how can?

changes

2007-06-04T16:00:00.000+08:00

so many things and people has changed.

i feel burdened. there's a weight i'm carrying around on my shoulders. some kind of responsibility for all the wrongs that have happened in my life, to the people around me, to broken friendships that can never be mended, to everything.

i know that if i want to continue with my life the way it is or if i want to make it better, i have to change something in me. my character? my personality? my size? my hair? my incoherent way of speaking? my job? my insecurities?

what is it?

i had my hair cut yesterday. now i look like a kid with fringe...again. but it's long this time so i should be okay. but i don't know. ask my sister.

watching shrek tonight.

i need motivation to start gym. well, i sort of do.

a purple empire cut dress that i've never wore before since i got it in...january i think.

but that's a sort of motivation. i need a real one.

maybe the boyfriend's visit somewhere in august? i could work towards that eh?

yes...he's coming to see me again. when? duno.

coffee

2007-06-01T14:37:00.000+08:00

i love coffee. but i'm not that adventurous with it actually. i only always drink a grande decaf caramel machiato with no whipped cream thankyouverymuch.

so for the past two days, i took a chance and drank old town white coffee's "gao" coffee. it's basically kopi o with hardly any sugar. it's really good but it gives me the headaches. or maybe it just clouds my brain a little. ok. alot. it sucks when it does that because i can't think and breathe properly.

or maybe it's the asam laksa.

i feel like puking now.

blues

2007-05-28T12:59:00.001+08:00

when you get married, what kind of songs do you want the band to play...that is, of course if you choose to have a band. and if you don't, there's always the stereo player...or whatever it is that they're called.

anyway...what kind of song?

i would like to have jazz but then i'm not a big fan of jazz and also not many people that i know are either. oldies...definitely. that's for my dad. hehe.

yesterday, i went over to my popo's and she wasn't there. so i stayed back and chatted with my aunts. so we were talking about justin timberlake's lasted romance fiasco. is he with jessica or scarlet or jennifer?

it's so weird how we talked about celebrities and their lives as if we know them personally. we're not friends and heck, they don't even know we exists.

so totally weird.

totally.

*flips hair*

who won?

2007-05-25T16:08:00.001+08:00

i'm still saddened that jordin sparks won.

not that i wanted blake lewis to win.

since when beat boxing is known as singing? beat boxing...ok la. he's pro and i can't deny that. but when it came down to singing a song...it was just so blargh.

i didn't watch the entire finale tho. so maybe my two cents worth of comments is nothing.

i love carrie underwood's rendition of 'i'll stand by you'. i almost, almost, reduced to tears. but i didn't.

will power! woot woot!

that's you

2007-05-23T12:21:00.000+08:00

ok. i know estranged itu kamu is not exactly a love song.

actually...i don't know how to categorise it. i just glanced through the lyrics in hope of finding the tune in my head. haha. didn't work. i only managed the chorus.

i don't know why but everytime i hear it, my heart goes...aww...

why ah?

doesn't it sound weird. that's you. itu kamu. imagine if they translated it into english instead? since i'm not working right now (rendering takes about 2 1/2 hours and i think i have about....1 hour plus more to go before i get to work), i think i will attempt to translate it. hehe.

but i'm not sure whether it's allowed la.

so how?

ella ella ella eh eh

2007-05-21T11:23:00.000+08:00

that song has been in my head ever since this morning when i tuned to the radio.

and coincidentally...i lost my umbrella ella ella ella eh eh...when i went into my car.

it's a ritual...or perhaps i should say a routine, for me to carry my umbrella on my arm when i go to work. i figured since the boyfriend isn't here for me to parade around on my arm...i should let my cream white big size umbrella do the honours.

no la. actually it's a weapon and a shielder from the rain and sun according to my dad's bestfriend. i totally agree, even though i carry a pepper spray and a small umbrella ella ella ella eh eh...in my bag.

haha. i typed bag as beg twice and i just couldn't leave it there because someone would say something like...

'it's bag...not beg.'

duh.

by the way, i think the car wash dude who kept laughing at me because i got my numbers in mandarin wrong took it out. and forgot to put it back. or maybe he just wanted me to make a fool out of myself again, go back, speak in horrible mandarin and then give it back to me.

whatever dude.

strange

2007-05-18T11:11:00.000+08:00

ok. how can i just suddenly put on one freaking kg in a weekend? i didn't really eat much or drink much either. i didn't do anything out of the ordinary. really!

except for the flaming lamborghini. jeez.

sending my car over to the mechanic's tomorrow will be a killer...on my piggybank.

if i have enough money to last me the rest of the month after tomorrow's money murder, i'm signing up for gym. noone is here to go along with me but that's fine. it's ok. i will be ok. i hate going alone because i'm afraid of going alone but it's fine. it's ok. i will be ok.

pray for me.

no money

2007-05-17T12:22:00.000+08:00

i just called the mechanic. the whole conversation was just ridiculously funny that i had to call my sister before i could start work. otherwise, i would probably be laughing right now.

i spoke in my broken mandarin. he replied in proficient cantonese. i tried english. he replied in proficient cantonese. i gave up. spoke in broken cantonese and mandarin.

i bet he's laughing his ass off during lunch when he tells his colleagues about the girl who speaks mandarin and cantonese for nuts.

i have absolutely no clue how much all of the repair work will cost but i know it's going to be a lot of money. this sucks. oh well.

i had this weird craving for wanton noodles. ok. i admit i'm having a slight problem with the correct spelling for that type of noodles. wanton? wonton?wantan?

help.

i thought i could save up some money this month so that i can get my camera next month. but nooo...oh. anyone wants to buy my nikon f75? i'm thinking of selling it because i don't exactly use it now. i mean, i love it but what's the point when i don't have the passion to take pictures. i just want a small, compact, digital camera for me to camwhore with. simple.

but no...i have to spend my money on my car. great.

responsibilities. yey. it comes with the twennietwo package. i wonder what else is in there?

should i stay or should i go

2007-05-16T11:29:00.000+08:00

i'm not exactly in my happy place right now. i'm kinda mellow and sad and stressed.

ok. scratch the stressed part. because i'm way beyond stressed.

i don't do anything. how can i be stressed? therefore, i'm not.

i'm just really bored.

my life is so mundane and routine-y. wake up, watch friends, shower, leave for work, check emails, work, eat lunch, work, check emails, work, check emails, work, go pee, check emails, work, check emails, go home, eat dinner, watch whatever is on astro, shower, read a book, sleep.

and everything is the same tomorrow, and the day after and after and so on.

i don't have a social life because the friends that i hang out with...or would like to hang out with are working the owl shift. crazy people but that's their job. the other friends that i would like to hang out with are still students. so therefore, they have assignments and sleep to catch up on. then there are others who are just busy being busy. i would like to hang out with my sister, but she's just like everybody else. busy. busy. busy.

i'm not complaining about people having jobs. no way. it's their life and they're having fun. good for them. not sarcasm ok.

i'm just complaining about mine. i should do something extraordinary. something that would make people say...

'she's crazy! why would she just throw her life away like that? where's she getting the money from? why is she doing this? crazy! insane! stupid! idiot! moron! omg! how could she?'

but deep down inside...they're saying...

'i wish i could be as brave as she is and just follow what my heart tells me. sigh...'

i don't know what is it that i want to do really. it sucks but i know i'll find it one day. hopefully soon because i can't wait for things to happen. i guess that's why people say...

'don't wait for things to happen. you have to make it happen'

or maybe that's just my dad.

today's teacher's day. happy teacher's day dad...and to all educators.

i almost typed educationers. haha. is there really such a word anyway?

the car is dying. air conditioning is gone and the stereo's heading that way too. the automatic windows are stuck except on my side which is incredibly important. the lights flicker way too much before it becomes static.

it's going crazy. my life is too.

twennie two

2007-05-15T11:03:00.000+08:00

i'm twennie two.

yey.

how come i don't even feel like it?

you know, the other night when we had our little drink and dance session...which to me, was kinda a failure because not everybody showed up and ...well...lack of planning. but the company was great and i loved it. thanks to all who showed up.

anyway...as i was saying...since i was the only who turned twennie two before any of them, i asked them what did they accomplish while being twennie one. lucky them, they still have some time. as for me...i didn't do much. other than having my boyfriend physically next to me, experiencing life out of malaysia and drinking twice as much as i had when i first started college...but really accomplishing something? i don't think so. i didn't scale the highest peak of some mountain nor did i swim the deepest seas. i didn't get straight a's nor did i do anything right.

talking crap.

i have so much things to write about but what's the point eh?

found

2007-04-24T09:20:00.000+08:00

hehe.

i found him.

actually...he found me.

he's fine.

phew...

so, what's new. everyone's so busy with work and school that we just don't spend time with each other anymore. i haven't met up with my dearest bitch clan for the longest time. i haven't went on an alco binge for the longest time too.

alco. yum. i miss alco. you know, when i was in perth, we would go drinking at least once a week. at least. which means sometimes, there might be more than once.

i miss having a bar just two minutes walk away. and also having two alco stores just next door. and a tavern in uni.

my computer is going crazy. my question mark doesn't work properly. my dash + underscore doesn't work at all. my fn button for my volume buttons doesn't work at all too.

how la...see! i'm resorted to using three dots.

lost

2007-04-22T00:23:00.000+08:00

my boyfriend is lost. again.

and i don't know how to get to him now.

i'm worried sick about him. i can't call. i can't email.

i don't know what to do.

can i just fly out there to hold him? to hug him? to tell him everything will be ok?

i had a dream of him last night. it felt so real.

i woke up crying.

and now i'm going to bed crying.

been working

2007-04-09T10:28:00.000+08:00

been back for about a week and all i've done is just work. work. work. it's crazy.

just the other day, there were a couple of contractors that came over to take care of the rat problem. oh..i didn't mention that there is a rat...or hopefully now, was a rat the size of a cat residing at the balcony. it drove me nuts just thinking about it when i was in singapore. anyway...they came over and took care of things.

oh nevermind. my heart is not into this right now. watching tv and feeling a little bogged down doesn't really help, you know.

i found an inspirational person. someone who is my age. someone who did what her heart told her to do. someone who up-ed and left without a care in the world, doing what she wanted to do. and even if she didn't know what it really was, she is brave enough to take that chance.

if only i could be like her.

going back home

2007-03-27T12:14:00.000+08:00

after a month and a half of rudeness and sweet food, i'm heading back to kl.

that's right.

dirty, smelly, polluted kl...here i come.

no matter how dirty, smelly, polluted, corrupted kl is...it's home.

sigh...

pictures pictures

2007-03-25T11:31:00.000+08:00

actually, i'm at work right now.

i know. it's a sunday. what the heck am i doing at work anyways right?

lazy to explain.

so...pictures. i was too lazy and too caught up with work to photoshop pictures. so here they are, as raw as they can get.

arirang. the korean restaurant. and that's jon's head on the bottom left.

me with my many hands. makes me look like that chinese deity with tonnes of hands. what's his name again?

wrong models for the valleygirl promotions ad.
jon with his new hair cut. so much better than his long locks.

er...i do the rest later can? have to get back to work.

hehe.

promise is a promise.

...

2007-03-25T11:22:00.000+08:00

i can't write anything i want and feel anymore.

sigh.

because then people will take it the wrong way.

hungry la

2007-03-23T18:59:00.000+08:00

but then i shouldn't eat.

cuz then i'll be fat.

and i'm already fat.

blek.

...

...

...

you know what i want to eat? i want to eat that ginger fish rice that i had for lunch today at the shop down the road from my office. it's so yummy that i want more! more! more!

but then i can't.

cuz then i'll be fat.

and i'm already fat.

...

...

...

photos a little bit later. hungry.

end of the tunnel

2007-03-22T19:43:00.000+08:00

i was talking to the boyfriend today about our future. i wish that whatever we discussed today and the days before could just come true right now.

i feel so empty and unfulfilled. i don't feel complete. there doesn't seem to have a purpose for me right now.

i've felt weird before but this is weirder. i miss perth like hell and regretted leaving when i wasn't ready. i regretted the way i was when i was there. the way i treated my friends after he left. i regretted the way i was in high school. i hate my character then. i hate the fact that i was such a spoilt brat. a cry baby. i could never be left out in anything. i had to know everything. and if i don't, i feel like people are conspiring against me. and it's because of my own actions and personality that people do that.

keep secrets. not be against me. although i can be so sure of that.

one thing i learnt from perth.

i learnt who i was.

it took me ten months to realise that all that i've done all these while was stupid and completely idiotic. i drove good friends away and shun myself from getting to know the truth.

i always gave advice to friends but never bothered to heed them myself. i talk behind their backs...but who doesn't anyway? i try to be nice but maybe it's not in my blood. i make sure my friends are alright and that they are safe from harm. but i'm the one who they should be wary of. i'm no threat to them. i'm just a bad influence.

learning about other people's relationship with their family and loved ones was a turning point for me. learning that there are people who can get on with their life eventhough it's so horrible made me gasp in wonder.

how do they do it? why can't i be like them? why can't i have that kind of relationship with my dad and my siblings? why can't i say things that i want without hurting anybody?

because i just can't. i wasn't brought up that way.

should i change the way i am? or should i stay who i am? i fear that being who i am right now would be bad for me in the future.

something really short

2007-03-21T19:09:00.000+08:00

i miss perth.

coming up on pretentiousbitch

2007-03-21T15:48:00.000+08:00

lol.

i'll be photoshopping pictures from perth. they're all pictures that i've promised to put up. and also long long awaited ones too.

like the ones where i went for my first perth ice skating adventure. that was absolutely nuts. i fell on my ass on the same spot five times.

FIVE FREAKING TIMES!

then there was the times when someone from the group would cook up a storm and everybody goes over to eat. i remember i made nine rolls of sushi and half of that were vegetarian because of dear ol' jon. i don't really remember our first meal. was it ellia's hasty meal? or was it vanessa's curry? ohhh..vanessa's green curry!! it was the freakiest curry i've ever tasted.

i dare say that she has improved tremendously from then onwards.

also photos of the boyfriend and i when he went over to perth to visit me. i miss those times. it was just perfect. we had our fights but it was fine. it was normal. and we felt complete. and now, we're incomplete again. it sucks. people say long distance relationship never works. and we are trying very very hard to prove these people wrong.

is it prove or proove or proof?

then there are also pictures on the bus, trains and walks. pictures of flowers and clouds and trees and animals and sculptures.

ten months of memories.

the meet up

2007-03-20T20:03:00.000+08:00

i went out yesterday. met up with two of my goodest friends from primary and secondary school. they were there ever since. and god...i missed them much.

i haven't met queenie ever since i left kluang and yan ting ever since i left for perth.

it's been ages and of course, we had tonnes to catch up on.

one is engaged. the other is attached...for two freaking years already.

and i just found out.

great.

nevertheless, it was a great great day.

just a few more days and i'll be out of singapore. wee... it's a mixed feeling really. i'll miss the place and the company and also the route to work. when i start in kl, i'll be alone. sadly. but kl is home and i've always wanted to work at home. it's so much easier for me. i know the place well...although i don't know the roads. but i know how to take public transportation! that's a plus. and if that doesn't work out, there's always the taxi. hehe.

my main task once i reach there, is to find my way to work. haha. imagine on monday when i wake up and get ready to go work...all i can do in the end is sit in the car and scratch my head.

'where is work anyway?'

tiu.

whirls

2007-03-14T10:58:00.000+08:00

i feel ... troubled. but that's fine.

a couple of nights ago on my way back from work, i stopped by at this bakery near my aunt's and uncle's place to buy a drink. i had my ipod on so that i can be totally oblivious to the world around me and i thought by doing so, i wouldn't be able to hear any other disturbing noises.

so wrong.

there was this uncle standing at the counter, tapping his one dollar coin like there's no tomorrow. seriously. the salesgirl heard him and she acknowledge him. the whole reason why she didn't serve him at that moment was because she was bringing out a cake from the fridge to put it on the display counter. as she was doing that, he started tapping.

how rude is that?

to the uncle i meant. at least she acknowledge him right? and he should also understand the fact that she's doing something else. but no. he continued on tapping.

then after paying, he just up-ed and left. no thank you. nothing. zilch.

rudeness.

then after the guy left, this old aunty decided to play the rude game too and cut the queue. i was lining up first ok but she just happily glided in with no...

'excuse me but may i please?' or 'thank you'.

even a...

'move bitch'

would have done the trick. rudeness i tell you. rudeness.

what date is it today anyway? been working every day from morning till night that i totally lost track of the days and dates. yesterday, i kept thinking to myself that tomorrow (which is today) is thursday and i would have to pack my bags and leave for my fortnightly visit to jb. not sure, i whipped up my phone and slapped my forehead.

stupid.

i dunno bout you guys in kl but singapore is hot! it rained yesterday but the two days before that and today has been super duper hot. it's crazy. almost wanted to sleep naked but seriously, who would want to know that.

eeyu.

ok la. tummy ache already. wanna go poo poo.

oh what should i do

2007-03-12T18:24:00.000+08:00

i'm going back to kl at the end of the month.

i have a car.

i want to go clubbing.

anybody up for it?

even if you're not...you know i'm gonna pull you along for some vodka and whisky.

have your singlehood fun while you can because when i come back home...you're all mine.

sounds so wrong. lesbianist. hehe.

colour of puke

2007-03-09T13:42:00.000+08:00

i know...

eee....

i haven't been feeling well for the past two days. it could be the food...or the obsessive eating i've been doing the past few days. i puked yesterday. well, actually i shouldn't have. but i wanted and had to otherwise i would feel incredibly sick. seriously.

i smiled in my dream this morning. hehe. it wasn't anything sexual okay. i dreamt of my wedding with the boyfriend.

...

nevermind.

by the end of the month, i'll be heading back to kl. and i'll be driving my brother's manual car. he's in xiamen already. sob sob. can't believe i cried. jeez. it's just my brother.

oh well. back to work.

adui

2007-03-08T16:08:00.000+08:00

i suppose my previous post seemed rather...weird and one sided. i apologise.

i did say i was being a little weirdly feminist anyway.

blergh.

anyways, i brought my laptop to work today but my bosses aren't it to help me do the settings and i'm no computer geek. although i do spend all my time at work in front of the computer.

and i went for an indie documentary screening yesterday. my boss's work got screened and it was pretty intense. especially the first documentary called 'the nu-struggle'. intense. seriously intense. made me wince and want to crawl and hide for a bit. it's about the people of nepal's fight for democracy after that crazy dude killed almost all of the royal family. siao.

the second doco was about...haha...malaysian logging companies illegally doing their job at papua new guinea. once i found out it was some malaysian company *coughrimbunan*, the first thing that came into my mind was what if it was shown in malaysia? i am sure that these companies *coughhijau* will probably sue the director, writer and producer and totally deny all allegations. haha. typical.

third was my boss's - i love malaya. initially it was about finding chin peng's whereabouts in southern thailand but i suppose the more they searched, the more they uncovered secrets of former mcp soldiers. i suppose this doco was more...people friendly and had that human touch. it made people laugh and perhaps, shed a tear or two.

hehe. the best quote?

'malaysian judiciary system is like the KL traffic jam. always stuck and takes forever to reach the destination'.

or something like that. i forgot to write it down. was kinda dark in the theatre anyways.

i think i'm gonna go puke. don't feel too good.

oh great

2007-03-07T11:02:00.000+08:00

i wrote a long piece of crap and clicked publish.

it never did.

stupid. i knew i shouldn't have cursed blogger stupid html thingeroo.

nevermind. i'm guessing you won't understand my wrath.

boss said to come in at 11.30am. i retrived the message at 10.30am and i was already at the office door. great.

i'm too lazy to write what i just wrote la.

in the time being, please drink luo han chrysanthemum drink if you want to detox. it does the same effect as those slimtea stuff. just that it's so much healthier because it's for real. and it only costs $1.50. which would be about rm3.50.

horrible currency. 2.3. jeez. why can't the world just be in one currency. then won't everybody in every country be happy? you'll be earning the same amount as your compatriots in the states. people in india will be earning the same as you are. no more such things like upper class, middle class and poor. everybody will be the same. equality. isn't that what we strive for in life? in a relationship, everything is about equality. if you do this for me, i'll do this for you. if you bring back the dough, i'll cook it for you. equality.

what's this i hear about men getting paternity leave? they don't carry a heavy baby for nine months! all they do is just carry out every single order the very important pregnant wife asked them to do. and is that so out-of-the ordinary? do they not already do that even before they weren't married and not preggers? jeez. you want time to bond with your kid? come back home from work early. you don't have to do much.

oh nevermind. i'm being in a weird mood. being a little feminist doesn't hurt...does it?

like a tumour

2007-03-03T16:09:00.000+08:00

a friend told me in all secrecy that his life is in danger. i'm praying for him.

poor dude.

because of it being all secret...i can't disclose his identity and what is it that he has. but it's serious. and fatal. and i hope to Lord Buddha that he doesn't die.

...

on another note...

working at the place where i'm working right now is fun. however, i'm not sure whether i can sustain my happiness there in the near future. to those who knows me...i am known as the extrovert who talks nonstop and laughs nonstop. i love meeting people and getting to know them. i've always been like that but i guess society and their thinking changed me or perhaps influenced me to be them.

ok. i'm lazy to talk about me already.

there has been a lack of photos lately because i haven't taken much. i don't own a digital camera and i'm saving up my money to get one...soon. then i'll start camwhoring again. and you'll see loads of me and hopefully, my fatness and ugliness will entice you to comment on hideous me. hah!

you know how i hate singaporeans right? well, now that i've been living in singapore for the past month or so...i realised why i actually hate them. ok la. shouldn't say hate because if there's hate, there was love. i mean, i knew why i didn't like them before but i finally realised the truth behind it all.

nevermind.

but anyway, the reason is because they're so critical, nationalistic, super kiasu and rude. it's not a generalisation of singaporeans but because of what i've seen and been around...these are my findings.

geddit?

seriously...nevermind. i would rather keep my opinionated opinions to myself in fear of the sudden surge of hate-comments that will cramp up my blog.

do you realise i've mentioned twice about my comment button? get the picture?

i'm having a headache. i ate panadol actifast and it's soooo...not fast. my brother ate three biji during one of the cny dinner and he still had it when we finished about 2 hours later.

tiu. actifast should be 'i-think-its-fast'.

potaeto potaato-tomaeto tomaato

2007-03-02T19:03:00.000+08:00

i'm allergic to tomatoes. no more spaghetti marinara in bolognaise and chives sauce. it's alfredo and cream all the way baby.

on another note...pay day is on monday. woo hoo! my first real pay! not counting the tonnes of money i made while working as a waitress in perth.

i miss perth. seriously. i do. i keep thinking about it. it felt like home to me. the boyfriend said that that isn't home. home is where the both of us get to be together. and we are planning to go to australia and live together once he's done with uni and all. it'll be fun. i can't wait.

i want to keep this short because noones reads my blog anyways and i'm just too lazy to write right now. maybe later tonight.

chinese new year and three weeks on

2007-02-24T10:47:00.000+08:00

first...happy chinese new year! i'm sure all of you are as well fed and as 'wealthy' as i am. can you imagine i put on almost one kg within four days? too much yee sang and all those tai thong food. i ate so much tai thongs' that i can even recite what's coming out next. yee sang, sharks fin soup, roasted pig or duck bla bla bla.

so how's your chinese new year?

at least mine didn't include the oh-so-common verse of all time...

'waaaaah! put on weight already ah?'

it was the other way round.

hehe. *smug*

anyway, it's been three weeks since i started working at this job. pay's alright. boss is cool. very few colleagues. it's a small teeny weeny company that does big jobs. yea. i'm just an editor...or should i say, a probational editor that edits wedding videos. it's pretty cool. but after doing it for a while, i must say, it gets kinda...redundant. but no complaints from me. it's my first job and i'm loving it.

no. it hasn't gotten to the stage where i drag myself off the bed.

i've been in singapore for three weeks and i haven't exactly explored it yet. there are friends who are willing to take me around. but it's me. i just don't have the time. i'm at work at 10.30am and leave no earlier than 9.30pm. sometimes i work during the weekends and when i don't, i have to leave singapore to renew my social visit pass.

the boyfriend asked me the other day what i see in my future. i told him honestly...as i am telling you now that i have no clue at all. i don't know where am i gonna be. whether i'm still gonna be with this company for the next two years. whether i want to be in this line or not. but it doesn't matter. it'll come when it comes.

my brother is going to xiamen, china for long term basis. gonna miss him. totally. but kor, that day when i sent you off, remember i was close to tears?not because of you so don't perasan. hehe.

okay la. back to work. people in singapore or visiting singapore...call me!

lots of mwaaaahs!

graduating

2007-01-30T12:12:00.000+08:00

so instead of heading to the other side of malaysia for my graduation ceremony and also heading back to perth, i will be graduating alongside linzhi and a bunch of my classmates at limkokwing. hah! never actually thought i would because curtin perth said that i can't and limkokwing said i could. whatever...so much easier to do it in kl. kind of a rush though but no big deal. we're all doing fine.

i went for my first facial the other day at dermologica. it was great. rm88 for a skin whitening treatment. when i went in for my consultation, they said my face was congested and kept looking at me like i was the filthiest girl ever. i know my face isn't smooth or as great as everybody's. hey...i'm not perfect. but it felt good after the facial, knowing that my face is somewhat dirt free for about 5 minutes. then we went out into the sun and dirt and filled up my pores with more dirt.

i can't help but be dirty.

sounded so wrong but nevermind.

i'm starting work next monday! eek! training in singapore for two months and then will be trasferred to kl permenantly. then, after a year's contract...see what happens la. take off to some other land maybe if i'm lucky? i want to go to the states. not only because of the boyfriend but because, i want to. i have always wanted to. there's a huge competition for my kind of job but i won't get any until i get there and find it right? i wish someone could go there with me. in a way, start a new chapter in life. it could be a mistake but hey, who doesn't make them anyways? life is about making mistakes and learning from them right? i'm still young. 22. omg. sounds so old. but really, twenty-two years old? i can still do tonnes of things with my life like work in a bookshop and immerse myself with knowledge. or romance with romeos from the books. haha. has it ever happen to you when you read a book and you're so into it, you become it? and when the character falls in love, you feel like it too? and when she gets dumped, you feel her pain and anger? and when she plots revenge, don't you feel like you're her accomplice?

i do. all the time.

anyway, what else do i want to do...hmm. i want to open my own little cafe. just a teeny one at a corner bent. small and cosy and warm. real hot chocolate and coffee, cheesecakes, sandwiches, hot muffins, scones...i want to be a nurse or a care-person for a hospital. take care of the elderly especially those whose kids either comes once a year or never at all. i want to spend time with david and donna and his dad, david and get to know the family. i want to see for myself the real american culture. i want to paint abstract art and say 'i have no clue' when people asks me what is it about. i want to learn to dance ballet or hip hop or ceroc or something. i want to tell stories to little kids in bookshops. i want to mix around with people, maybe the right people. who knows, i might get a job in my field.

i dunno la.

linzhi and i made potato salad last night at liz's.

i had a fight with the boyfriend this morning. same ol' same ol'. me not wanting to go there next year. he not understanding the fact that i have my own life to lead. i love him. and yes, sometimes, i do want things my way. but i give my reasons. you just won't take it. but it's fine to me now. i have a job already. didn't i tell you everything will work out just fine once i get a job?

today will be alright. with a bit of tears and sobs, i'll make it through.

kena fine

2007-01-04T12:36:00.000+08:00

linzhi...if you're reading this...i am so sorry. i almost got your car into trouble.

as in i almost kena saman for talking on the phone.

kids...never talk on the phone when you're driving. it's bad...very bad for your wallet. i almost kena rm300. i was scared. haha. then i did the unthinkable which would be the first thing most people would think about:

i...er...settled it.

don't ask me how or how much. i just did.

anyway, it's been four days since i sent out my resume to four different companies.

a wedding planner-like company. really cool. if i get the job, i will be editing peoples' pre-wedding videos, post-wedding videos, tonnes of stuff. it'll be so cool cuz i will be making peoples' dream come true and that my work, will last forever with them. aww...
channel-v. it's like mtv. but i think if i get the job, it'll be editing bits and pieces of their show. it'll be cool.
two companies that does commercials, corporate docos etc. pretty cool.

i'm still waiting. and waiting. and waiting.

i came to ioi today to get a firewire cable for my camera to laptop. they said:

'yes, we have it. but bring your camera in tomorrow just in case.'
'oh...i'm sorry. we don't have this kind of cable here. sorry.'

my mood was already bad enough as i realised that i either had lost my laptop cable while i was walking around the mall yesterday or i could have left it at home. i came all the way here...only to find out that that cable wasn't there. how annoying is that? very. seriously. so then i drove all the way back home to check whether it's there. that's when i got caught. anyway, then i got back home and where did i find it at? underneath my bed.

linzhi. i'm getting your disease. die. it's contagious. you left it in the car. noooOooo.

oh. i sent it for a wash. it's a beauty now. seriously. it is. hehe. and no scratches. no marks. no accidents. no near accidents too. i'm a safe and good driver. it's other peoples' fault if anything did happen. which nothing did. seriously. really. i swear.

when are you coming woman? and this goes out to both linzhi and syikin. what is wrong with you two? i'm in need of some social life and i so don't have one right now. it's ok. luckily i'm a loner. used to it. even the boyfriend said so and he's glad with it...i think.

back home

2007-01-03T12:09:00.000+08:00

for almost three weeks already. and i need a job. like right now. i'm so bored to death and been spending my time between home and shopping and hanging out at ioi mall's starbucks to go online. sad huh? been going to my granny's almost the entire long weekend last week.

so far, i'm alright. i'm sick that's for sure. been sick with the cold for the past 3-4 days. sad leh.

being sick makes me bad at blogging.

i've been blogging for like what..more than a year already. imagine that. from a girl who hates writing things down and is just so lazy to do anything to writing crap for that long. haha. crazy.

i've sent out my resume to about five companies already. so far, only one emailed me back. that's also because i forgot to attach my resume with my cover email. sigh...hire me. hire me please.

desperate plea. haha.

people in australia, and australians in general...i miss you! you've been great to me and have just totally changed me into much better person. i wear the seat belt when i sit at the back of the car, i am more opinionated and open, i am braver, i am nicer, i talk much better...perhaps with a slight weird accent..hehe..and your transportation system there is so tight i miss it! even though the speed limit in aussieland sucks, i still love it. i love the people there. i love the culture. i love the clothes. i love the fact that i'm normal there. back here...xxl means m. then what am i? a xxxxxxxxl? yea. sure. thanx for making me feel good about myself.

'what size are you?'
'i think i'm like 6x's-l'
'er...'
'you don't have it do you?'
'no mem...the largest we have...is an xl'
'great.'

how to live my life like that? i know i have to lose weight. so that i can fit into the asian culture of being thin is the greatest thing in the world. sure.

anyway, i'll update on my life in a little bit. who knows, if i got nothing else better to do tomorrow, i might just take another drive to ioi mall and sit at starbucks and go online again. unless whatever friends i have left can call me up and make an appointment with me. please. i'm begging you.

desperate plea...again.

i'm going back

2006-12-13T22:14:00.000+08:00

hey ya'll...

i'm flying home on monday. i know i've not been a good girl this year in terms of updating my blog. the internet connection wasn't my greatest fan.

you know...i've been doing some thinking. maybe this blog shouldn't exist anymore. there's so much history in it that i just want to forget. my mom's disease, my first love who is still my first love and will always be, my disappointments, my worries, my mom's death, my pain, my struggles, my happiness, my lies and truths, my life.

all i want to do is to start a new. start a new life...with him maybe. i don't mean a new identity but i don't see myself to be the girl who was so miserable and down and bitchy all the time. the girl with very low self-esteem, no confidence, who thinks she's fat...even though she is and still think she is even though she's lost some some...i can't go on being that lynn.

i can't go on living my life doing what people wants me to do. i can't listen to you forever. maybe it is a good thing when you said you've washed your hands off me. that you don't know what's wrong with me. that you think i've changed. because maybe i did and you just can't accept the fact i've grown up and have my own opinions.

you know what i've always wanted to do? waitressing. because i love it. i love interacting with people. seeing the satisfaction on peoples' faces when their meal comes out early and they're satisfied with the food. to see their delight when i remember what their 'usual' are. well, i had my chance. i worked for almost 4 months as a waitress and i loved every single minute of it. it was painful...on my broken ankle and twisted knee but never once i complained. why? because i love it. it's the greatest feeling. and you know what else? when i go back to malaysia, i wish i could go into this line...and still do what i'm supposed to be doing with my degree. can i? i need someone to believe in me. can you?

i found out a couple of my friends are married. my age. twenty freaking one and married. one even has a daughter already. can you imagine? i can't believe i'm already at the age where i just might be invited to a wedding...with my own name on the invitation card and not my parents. it scares me really...what with the boyfriend and i still going strong for almost two and a half years. amazing huh? i bet noone actually believed i could do that. especially you. i remember when i first told the little circle of friends during my first year at luct, noone really believed in us. everyone were sceptics about long distance internet relationship. long distance...sure. but internet too? no way jose. but hey...we made it thru and some of you even met him. and you told me that we are perfect. do you really think so? do you really envy us? why?

anyway, so i'm going back on monday. yey for me. urgh.

take me out to mamaks ok. i want to go clubbing too. or bar hopping. i want to get pissed. i want to dress up and go out for xmas dinner with my bitches. you reading this andrew? get in touch with me and we will go out for xmas dinner! and this time...i will make it! not like the past two years. jeez. and you will love my new dress...ses. lol. i've got style now bitch and i can't wait to show it off. i've got clothes that i love now and i want to hit the town with them all. not at the same time mind you. i went cny clothes shopping here. because i know the girls back home are rail stick thin and therefore, all the clothes will be in their size which is normally...zero. so why should i be all anorexic just to join the crowd? i have a boy who loves me for who i am with all the bumps and curves and fats. and that's enough for me. so ha ha to all the thin bitches back home because i don't give a shit. i may have been one of you a long time ago...but so what. i'm not you anymore so shuddup.

no net access while i'm in kl. sadly. urgh. call me. i will find a way to let all of you know my number okie dokie? awesomeness. and before i end this post, here's a picture of the boyfriend and i. for the record, i love him to bits...even though we fight almost every single day about my rudeness and stubbornness and his smart-ass-ness and his well...he's almost perfect so basically, we fight about me basically. jeez. whatever.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAVID LAW!

2006-11-17T23:23:00.000+08:00

see. told you i'd write it now. hehe.

law da-vid. hehe.

add maths tuition. bm tuition. going after my good friend and denying it. best friend's best friend. connector to all stk-ians. always called at 2.30pm for godknowswhat reason.

great guy.

HAPPY TWENTY FIRST BIRTHDAY dude. may you have a blessed one...although i think you're already blessed (with esther).

just one more week

2006-10-24T12:34:00.000+08:00

and then i'm done for.

the sister said that she has some contacts in astro. sorry...nothing against astro...but it's too ott and over-rated. but it doesn't matter. a job is a job anyways. i should be glad that there is an opportunity for me anyway. i'm a horrible worker...really i am.

did i tell you about my job? it's...great. no really. it is. i never thought waitressing could be that exciting. in two weeks, i can pick up almost ten items that customers leave. not footprints or messy table or spit or vomit from little kids( yes, i had to clean up a vomit mess once...not a pretty thing to do really). it's things that are important to you like car keys, spectacles, pens, cellphone, a pink wooly sweater...etc. i mean, you think they are nothing...ordinary maybe, but then think again, they are kinda special. without your car keys, how to drive your car? oh! a few weeks after i returned the car keys to the customer, i overhead this really ironic conversation on the way back from work.

wife: i don't have it.

husband looks around, looks in the car, touches her pocket and says: are you sure?

wife: I TOLD YOU I DON'T HAVE IT!

the sad thing is, the wife was in crutches and she couldn't possibly run off in a huff like a drama queen most women are. i don't know what happened next but i'm guessing they either

a) found their keys and drove of

b) told the security and had a search thru the mall

c) called either mechanic or son or daughter or mother or something (emphasis thing) to look for it. imagine if theire dog found it! haha.

isn't sex the most amazing thing ever?

haha. so random. sorry. just ignore that.

so, i'm going to be an adult. yes, i'm officially an adult but to me, a person becomes an adult when they start work, earn their own money, get their own studio apartment, buy a cute little car that can fit only 5 really thin people, pay for their own gym membership and is actually responsible enough to go, go shopping on their own and not feel emberassed about anything...etc.

my sister isn't married yet. can somebody please help her? you'll be helping me too...really. i would be absolutely joyous if my darling sister gets married...like now. why? because i don't want her to be an old maid. a couple in the family is enough to scare me on how my life would be if my sister was one. so no way jose...she had better get married. hehe. so, any takers? email me your details and i'll be the judge.

i'm kidding. you know that right sister?

pictures have been rather sparse lately. i haven't gotten the time to go over to ellia's to get them and besides, i can't really blog anyways. it's too much of a trouble but oh well...if you insist.

haha.

when you read my haha, do you actually laugh? i don't. my face is blank and i'm not even laughing in my head. i wonder why people do that? trying to play with their readers mind?

'laugh! i wrote hahaha...so you better laugh! you HAVE to!!'

bah.

just two more weeks

2006-10-20T11:24:00.000+08:00

ah hah!

sadly, i'm blogging after over a month of hiatus. blame it on stupid websense and also on my time management. been super busy with uni and all. i enjoy it and can't believe that in two weeks time, i will be done. what will become of me? work? or back to studying again? honours or masters or phd? bah. don't think so. even though i love being a uni student and living life to the fullest at this moment, i don't think i can ever stand dreading assignment deadlines and working with lazy, unmotivated, no-clue-as-hell people. but then again, i will meet these kind of people when i go out to the working world.

but what do i want to work as anyway? eva told me her mom might need some help during the summer holidays before i graduate. event management. i love doing that but i need to work with great people. during my little stint as the organiser for mcac, it sucked and fell down the stupid drain because i was working with a bunch of arseholes who think they are all so high and mighty. i'm sorry but it's true! nevermind.

my plan during that little break between my arrival back home(december 3rd, 2006) and my graduation (february 15, 2007) is to work for free or very low pay as an intern in any production houses. red communications....HIRE ME! haha. but seriously, i really don't mind just working for free for the time being while i gain some experience before i head over to the states. i've talked to the boyfriend. we came up with a consencus that we will have to be apart for another year or less until i am ready and sure to go. oh well...

that's right people...i'm coming back on december 3rd! who wants to volunteer to pick me up from the airport? hehe. my family will be in johor that day because they'll be touching down in singapore instead. oh yea...they're coming here for a week...holiday. i have no clue where to bring them and what to do. right now, i'm seriously clueless. but i'll work something out.

by the way, did you know that i'm working? haha. yup. i'm working as a waitress. haha. it's been almost a month already and even though my boss said i'm kinda slow in the beginning, i think i'm getting the hang of it already. i enjoy it but now that my thumb is in pain because i played volleyball last saturday, i kinda cringe whenever i have to carry many many plates.

well, i have to go now. meeting at 12pm and then shopping for a dress. it's cocktail night next friday! and i'm dateless because the boyfriend is halfway around the world from me again.

i'm not that pretty nor am i skinny. but anyone wants to be my date on the 27th of october in perth? haha. tiu.

so sporadic

2006-09-19T14:58:00.000+08:00

my posts have been become totally sporadic. i only come to the labs in the uni when i have time in between meetings, classes and nothingelsebettertodo. at other times, i'm at home...using my own laptop to try to access my own personal blog. which is totally impossible as websense...that thing that blocks us from accessing anything...would block me from accessing my blog. stupid? yes.

which is why vanessa and her flatmates got themselves their own internet. free from the torture of websense.

did i mention that today was the first time i left my keys in the room? it usually happens to everyone else but never me. it's one of those days i guess.

everyone likes my hair and i hate it already. why? because it's becoming totally unruly and messy and when there's wind...don't even come near me because it's just too messy and i would be too fed up with it thus spoiling my mood for the day.

anyway, future. i have no clue whatsoever. the rest of them who came with me are staying back here in perth till graduation. i would love to do that too but i can't. my mom's 2nd year anniversary will be on the 19th and i want to be back for that. it's super important to me. i've already missed the other prayer sessions so i can't miss this one. then there's chinese new year. i can't miss chinese new year! it's the time for me to 'bond' with my family. haha. me. bond. right. all i do basically is just sit on my fat ass and eat delicious free food. yum.

i don't miss home. funny eh? those who left home seem to say that they miss this, they miss that...not me really. but i know that if i left perth, i'll miss the transportation, the beautiful weather, the people, the shops...digressing here. you know why i spend alot on shopping here? because i can actually find clothes that fit me fine! i don't have to suck in my tummy and sometimes cry in the changing room...not like back home. i have a choice of colours and style. i can actually buy new clothes here! however, when i go back to malaysia...i would probably be wearing the same ol' stuff for a year. sad eh?

this is going to be a super long post.

foreign film festival is coming up and i'm one of the organiser! wee...! so much drama goes on in a committee eh? it's so sad to see when friends backstab friends. especially when you've been friends ever since you came. sigh. people change. it sounds so cliche. i should say people change when their surrounding change. for example, i know someone who has changed dramatically ever since that someone came here. i won't go into details but then..what's the point of telling this here anyway?

after i'm done with uni at the end of the year...i'm gonna take a break. i'm so not gonna find a job so soon. like what the boyfriend said, 'you've been studying for almost 14 years. get a life.' i do need to get a life. although i'm studying overseas and yes, i know i'm very lucky...i'm still studying. i don't get to go out much while i'm here because i'm always so busy with uni work. when the holidays came in july, i didn't do much too because everyone was busy with their own lives.

oops. cutting this short. i've got a shoot to run off to. tomorrow maybe? you know how i'm like with time.

fwah

2006-09-08T12:33:00.000+08:00

it's the end of week 6 of semester 2. soon i'll be on my plane heading home. but do i really want to? i don't know. if i go back, it'll be back to my life as it was. dull, controlled in a way, unable to eplore my brains out.

but then again, i've always been unable to explore my brains out. there's always someone blocking me.

anyway, so what's up blogging world? everyone's busy blogging except us in curtin. i found out they blocked us at home but not in uni. kinda weird eh? it really is annoying especially when you need to have some entertainment (i.e. reading what you weird people write everyday) and then you can't open them. well, you can la but it'll be recorded and then if you spend over the limit of 200mb per month, you might have to pay. i had that before. scared the shit out of me. but nice me wrote a total ampu+bodek letter. it went something like this:

'dear sir, i am very sorry that i have spent over the limit of my internet usage. i regret doing so. i hope you will forgive me for my actions. i promise not to do that again and will only use the internet for education purposes and enter websites that are legible.'

blablabla.

'...enter websites that are legible and legal.'

because apparently, i went into some sex website. hah. those are the blardy pop-ups i tell you.

life has been ok on me. i'm doing photography which i'm really interested in but just don't have the time and proper equiptment to explore. i'm also doing another broadcast unit which is totally fun as we have the opportunity to work with perth's local sponsored tv station. it's a dodgy station but aiya. it's good enough. ooh..i had my five minutes of fame the other day in my drama class. i got to be a director and directed REAL actors. super amazing. the actors even praised me. haha. bangga.

looks like i have to come to uni more often to blog eh? fine. just that the internet is kinda slow sometimes. sucky. oh well. life.

i can blog!

2006-09-01T17:07:00.000+08:00

wee! i'm one happy girl. i haven't been blogging for ages and now i'm free.

i just found out that i can blog in uni...at the library. therefore, from now on, those of you in curtin will have to see me in the library for meetings. hah!

imagine la. lynn in the library. when i told the boyfriend last night that i was going to the library to do some researching and studying, he almost burst out laughing. i'm not a fan of libraries actually but sometimes, when i have the mood and the will to go, i will. and during those times, i actually do enjoy myself in the library. indulging in the sea of books.

makes me look rather intellectual when we all know i'm stiupid.

hah!

anyway, there's nothing much to update on anyways. it's the tuition week free and we just did our auditions for the presenter job on wednesday. it was great. awesomeness is my new favourite word. it gets kinda annoying when i keep saying it so often but who cares except me anyway?

oh. i quit the multicultural arts competition thingeroo. why? because i don't have my own personal time at all. all my time and energy has been devoted to my studio and filming work. i also have photography this semester. there was even a day when i didn't have time to eat at all till i had gastric. horrible i tell you. i thought i got rid of it already but it came back. and i think this time, it'll stay for awhile. oh well.

ok la. i'll update tomorrow if i am rajin enough to come to the library. hehe.

i love the library! mwah! mwah! mwaaaaah!